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Disney Adult to be Tried as a Minor

ORLANDO, Fla. — Disney-obsessed middle-aged man Sebastian Werner is to be tried as a minor after allegedly assaulting several guests at the happiest place on Earth, sources that regret not just going to the beach this year confirmed.

“A bunch of Twitter SJWs are saying I’m worse than ‘Maleficent,’ but they haven’t even heard my side of the story. Here’s the truth. Yes, I pushed down a kid with scoliosis, but her back brace broke her fall. And you gotta understand, I really wanted to get Gaston’s autograph,” said the unmarried and childless Werner. “You would think Gaston being a villain would have approved of my behavior, but he just looked at me with disgust, totally ruining the magic of my experience. Still, I guess I caught a lucky break with the judge deciding to treat me as a minor. Not sure why he came to that decision.”

Werner’s court-assigned defense attorney Tilly Bevan reluctantly admitted she had little sympathy for her client.

“I know I could be disbarred for this, but after seeing my client’s gaudy ‘Toy Story’ bolo tie and hearing him read a quote from the Disney Channel movie ‘Brink!’ about being a soul skater at the arraignment, I started begging the judge to lock him away in prison for the rest of his life,” said Bevan. “The crazy thing is, it was the prosecuting lawyer’s idea to try the man-child as a minor. And the judge agreed. The guy’s just that pathetic. He didn’t even seem to know he was in trouble, instead he was too busy counting down the days to his next Disney trip.”

An anonymous Disney cast member, known only as “Tigger,” noted a recent rise in crimes committed by Disney adults.

“These freaks are like roving gangs of midwestern white people, using violence and intimidation for the privilege of standing in line for 90 minutes and then paying 22 dollars for a churro,” said Tigger. “I don’t know if it’s the Florida heat or the complete lack of shame, but Disney adults need to be stopped. It’s bad enough that cast members have to deal with random groin kicks from overenthusiastic four-year-olds. But now Tinkerbells and Cinderellas are being spat on by grown men because they didn’t reciprocate their sexual advances.”

At press time, Werner has decided to represent himself in court and argue he has no memory of the alleged assault, aka the “Finding Dory” defense.