WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — Disturbed onlookers rolled their eyes as local bozo Sturgill Lacey clearly envisioned himself in an opening film’s montage due to the music he was listening to, sickened sources confirmed.
“I mean, we can’t really hear what he’s listening to in his headphones, but, c’mon, the guy is clearly imagining that he’s the main character of the planet today. Jauntily skipping over puddles, and petting every dog he comes across. I guess the plot is about a man who unites his entire community through cringing?” lamented local coffee shop owner Imani Hempstead, as she made eye contact with a customer as if to say “I know, right?” “Ah jeez, did you see that? He just said ‘bonjour’ to the baker across the street, like he’s Belle or something! Someone needs to kick this dude’s ass. Now that, I’d watch!”
Lacey’s response did little to combat the town’s suspicion.
“Sorry, can’t talk now! On my way to my high-powered job as a corporate lawyer, maybe! Or perhaps today’s the day I win back my lost love, the one that got away because I just couldn’t give her what she deserved, until today!” murmured Lacey, as the plodding strains of the Buzzcocks’ “Why Can’t I Touch It?” blasted faintly from his earbuds. “Hell, I may even need to do some of this commute in slow motion. Ah, bonjour monsieur bread baker! How are vous today, mon frere! Ah, can’t talk long, ze chorus, she is coming back up!”
As luck would have it, the film crew behind the upcoming 24-hour Truman Show-esque documentary series on Lacey titled “Simply Sturgill” admitted this wasn’t in their plan.
“This dummy’s ruining the whole show! It’s sucking the fun out of everything now that he’s pretending to actually be filmed. We need a guy who doesn’t think that would happen at all!” said director of photography Michaela Windstrom-Linz. “And if he starts singing along, our music licensing budget surely doesn’t cover an actual Buzzcocks song. Damn, I knew I should have taken that three-camera sitcom job over at CBS. Reality TV, man, it really is ruining everything.”
At press time, the imagined movie in question ended up having only enough footage for a short film, as Lacey thankfully got creamed by a city bus.