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Depressed David Blaine to Eat Never-Ending Breadsticks For Three Days at Untelevised Private Event

NEW YORK — In a performance challenging the very definition of the word “event,” David Blaine will continually eat Olive Garden breadsticks for three days straight starting this coming Friday, according to a leaked schedule for the famed magician.

Blaine is no stranger to endurance challenges, having once famously encased himself in a giant glass tank of water for seven days. However, the Olive Garden challenge marks the first time Blaine has failed to promote one of his stunts in any way, shape, or form. Sources close to the illusionist confirmed the three-day ordeal will not even be recorded.

“I… have to admit, I’m not 100 percent clear on the game plan here,” admitted befuddled Blaine publicist Carol Rogers. “He had to buy his own franchise and fully staff it to have a 24-hour store. He’s hemorrhaging money on this. Anytime I ask him about specifics, he just shrugs and says, ‘Whatever.’ I’m kinda worried about the guy.”

According to rules devised by Blaine himself, he will have no more than five minutes to eat each individual breadstick. Once he has picked up a breadstick, it may not leave his hand until consumed, and once completed, he will have only 10 seconds to pick up another. Over the three-day breadstick marathon, Blaine will be given only one 40-minute bathroom break, and one opportunity to browse the dessert menu for 15 minutes.

Many in Blaine’s inner circle disapprove of the stunt, perhaps none more vocally than his physician, Dr. Craig Carter.


“Nutritionally speaking, this will be the most dangerous thing David has ever attempted. I begged him to do that thing where he eats a wine glass as well to balance out all the carbs, but he won’t listen,” said Carter in a phone interview. “Also, it’s kind of boring. Who wants to watch a guy eat bread? Like, what’s even the payoff here? I seriously don’t get it.”

Not everyone close to Blaine has been so critical, however. “No lights, no cameras, none of the pretences that cloud our experience. The performance will exist purely in the moment. Well done sir,” tweeted longtime friend Leonardo DiCaprio. “#BlaineStrong #Breadstrong.”

If successful, Blaine will shatter the previous Olive Garden breadstick eating world record of 57 minutes and 45 seconds, currently held by an anonymous, recently divorced diabetic man.

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Article by Dan Rice @DanRiceComedy. Photo by Andrew H. Walker.