LEBANON, Kan. — The Trump administration announced that the Department of Education has been wholly replaced by a giant iPad playing a constant stream of “Bluey” under recent federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.
“Your kid is going to like it. And if they don’t, there are plenty of other countries you can hightail it to, traitor,” shared 22-year-old DOGE representative Colt Bowerhaus in between asking ChatGPT what various government departments do. “Our education system is now a mile-high iPad in Lebanon, Kansas, the exact center of our nation. This allows everyone to flock to a central point, creating an equal opportunity those socialist dems could never achieve. Plus, it keeps education decisions away from coastal elites. ‘Bluey’ contains everything a developing child, pre-teen, even teenager needs, despite unfortunately not being a domestic product. Just look at me, I turned out perfectly.”
Parent Cindy Litchfeld, sipping a Budweiser while scrolling, is pleased with the development.
“It’s so much easier to check my Instagram with those kids glued to the mile-high ‘Bluey’ iPad, necks craned up to the sky. It’s like they’re talking with God! We just let them wander under the monolith’s shadow, following shade from morning to night until it’s bedtime, ” said Litchfield. “We’ve got high school coming up with my oldest, Trevor, and I know those college essays are gonna be a cakewalk with everyone writing about a family of Australian cattle dogs. I never really knew math to begin with, so it makes life a hell of a lot easier when they ask for homework help. Love the new curriculum. MLK, Lincoln, Dwight D. Reisenvelt? Blah blah, boring! How about Mom, Dad, Bluey, and Bingo. What more does a kid need?”
Covering America’s entire academic K-12 offering, education reporter Amber Jarraway visited the tablet.
“We saw teachers protesting outside the giant iPad, all now mysteriously disappeared. The children haven’t seemed to notice, still glued to the screen. They even ignore constant avian collisions with the display. What’s alarming is that historic events can now only be comprehended through this new prism,” said Jarraway. “Any discussion of 9/11 remains abstract, but if you make the airplane into a little Bluey with a propeller, crashing into two giant skyscraper Blueys, basic knowledge of the event is comprehended. Unless reinterpreted via this incredibly popular Aussie cartoon, it’s like our history never occurred.”
At press time, DOGE requested that the iPad intermittently play Tesla ads and historic pro-America newsreels, with a pop-up of Miss Rachel explaining what’s happening on screen.