BRAUNAU AM INN, Austria — Democratic Congressman David Eastlund of Nevada bent the rules of time and space as we know it to go back in time and hold up a tiny protest sign within the vicinity of Adolph Hitler as a newborn baby, multiple confused sources report.
“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”
Klara Hitler, the mother of the newborn baby who would grow up to be a genocidal madman, spoke of the incident through a translator.
“I was trying to rest when there was a soft knock on the door. There was a man in strange clothing standing completely silent holding a paddle like he was at the sausage auction. He didn’t say a word, but he seemed quite nervous,” said Mrs. Hitler. “I kept asking if he wanted to come in for some tea but he wouldn’t respond. Eventually my husband had to intervene and ask the man to leave. Strange things keep happening ever since baby Adolph was born, just last night another man with a gun came into our home and threatened to shoot our baby, but he didn’t pull the trigger and then fled through the window.”
Historian Jane Plumber says nothing will change until someone is actually brave enough to commit infanticide.
“It’s clear that time traveling back to April 20, 1889, in Austria is getting easier and easier. But you can’t just go and give baby Hitler a lecture on why genocide is bad. You need to pick the kid up and spike him on the ground like a football,” said Plumber. “And killing the baby isn’t even the worst part, you will most likely get arrested for killing this kid and nobody will actually know you’re a hero to millions. You are just some psycho who turned a healthy baby into a puddle of blood and guts. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to make a difference.”
At press time, Rep. Eastlund returned to 2025 and realized he failed to make a difference, but intends to travel back once again and stand up to baby Hitler by wearing a pink tie.