ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Metal diehard James Allen used the online tax filing platform TaxSlayer yesterday to “eviscerate, desecrate, and properly file” his 1040EZ tax return, sources confirmed.
“I usually hate doing my taxes, but TaxSlayer has some awesome features,” said Allen. “The Demonic Calculator of Infinite Sorrow really helped me figure out my taxable interest, and the Devil’s Deductions itemized all the patches on my denim vest.”
According to Allen, TaxSlayer puts a “metal” spin on the traditionally tedious task of filing taxes, as users feel as if they are truly slaughtering their tax documents. Allen praised the service’s ornate gothic fonts and Satanic imagery, as well as the option to e-Sign your form in e-Blood.
“Remember how Microsoft Word had that little talking paperclip that would give you helpful tips? TaxSlayer has that, except it’s a tiny Ronnie James Dio screaming at you about deductions,” Allen told reporters. “It also helps you account for any of income you may have made from selling your soul to Satan. My guy at H&R Block was always confused by that.”
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The 34-year-old mechanical engineer added that this was the first time in his life he actually enjoyed filing his taxes.
“In the past, I felt like being a responsible citizen was in direct opposition to the darker, more metal side of me,” said Allen. “TaxSlayer lets me embrace both parts of my personality. Best of all, no matter what your financial situation is, TaxSlayer guarantees you a $666 tax refund.”
When asked for comment, officials at TaxSlayer denied all of Allen’s claims.
“We appreciate Mr. Allen using our service,” said company spokesperson Sofia Pallardo. “But absolutely none of that is true. If you file as a ‘qualifying widow,’ we will not send you a viking sword. And, I promise you, we do not offer a ‘Tax Seasons in the Abyss’ discount promotion in April.”
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Article by Ted Pillow @TedPillow.