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Crust Punk Fills Uneven Beard With Patches

NEW YORK — Local crust punk Phil “Rat Face” Howland took creative measures last week to turn his uneven beard into a stronger representation of his masculinity, filling in the gaps with various patches, sources confirmed.


“Pete Putrid and Smelly Charles all have thick, glorious, untamed beards… and I’m stuck looking like a fucking 6th grader,” said Howland. “I had to figure out how to turn my scraggly peach fuzz into somethin’ respectable.”

In an effort to “hold his own” among his peers, Howland reportedly attempted to attach patches to his face using glue, spit, tears, blood, mud, tree sap, dog shit, gum, and tape.

“My original idea was to sew them to my face, but it was surprisingly hard to find a clean needle. So I went the temporary route of just sticking them on there,” said Howland. “As long as I don’t shower, these things stay put pretty well. And if I ever go bald, I already have a few patches picked out to cover the hair loss.”

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However, medical experts warned against using patches to compensate for insufficient facial hair.

“For the love of God, please do not try to sew, glue, iron, or otherwise affix patches to your face. I can not stress this enough,” said Dr. Rosenbaum, Dermatologist at NYU School of Medicine. “The skin is a vital organ, and covering it with patches invites infections and various types of skin irritation you cannot imagine. Just live with a bad beard — it isn’t the end of the world.”

For their part, Howland’s peers spoke positively of his new facial augmentation.

“I’m really proud of Rat Face — he’s always doing something different and unique. I used to fill in my beard with permanent marker, because it made me feel more masculine while also getting me kind of buzzed,” said longtime friend Jacob “Puseater” Palmer. “I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and have some giant, hipster patch beard that goes halfway down his chest.”

At press time, a newly confident Howland was contemplating various beard oils online.

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