NEW YORK — Vagabond crust punk Sheri “Tick Bite” Rowland was spotted last night outside of the Bowery Whole Foods store begging shoppers for “just $15 to get a sandwich,” witnesses confirmed.
“Look, man, I haven’t eaten in hours,” said Rowland between harassing passersby. “All I want is organic turkey with sliced gala apple, Asiago cheese and garlic aioli, on a bed of arugula between two slices of gluten-free Focaccia. It’s obvious these suburban sellouts have lost touch with the suffering of the common man. I’m literally starving here!”
Rowland allegedly spent an unsuccessful afternoon outside of the market, asking shoppers if they thought they were “better than her” when they refused to donate. Additionally, security footage showed Rowland attempting to play a washboard in exchange for Snøfrisk cheese until authorities moved her along, upon which she went to a Trader Joe’s a few blocks away.
“I’ve shooed her away almost weekly,” said Bowery store manager Lin Pireda. “I don’t care if she and I were in a band together in high school — it’s bad for business. She always wants a handout. If it isn’t for some almond butter, on sale this week at $7.99 a jar, then it’s for a glass of cabernet to pair with the expired duck breast she found in our dumpster.”
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Witnesses claim one patron offered to take Rowland to a nearby Burger King for a warm meal; however, Rowland called the woman an “uncultured Philistine” and spat in her face.
“I may be intentionally homeless, unbathed, and rife with disease, but I’m not an animal,” said Rowland. “I’m out here drinking bottled water without electrolytes or anything. I’ve gotten so desperate, I asked my mom to get me a charcuterie platter while she’s in there.”
Rowland next plans to ask locals to donate one of their Blue Apron deliveries and, if they refuse, just steal them out of their mailboxes.
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