LOS ANGELES — Crust punk Tim “Ransom” Rollins has reportedly started acting annoyingly sanctimonious ever since he moved into an abandoned Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, friends close to the man confirmed.
“Me and Ransom used to be tighter than a pube dreadlock, but ever since he started squatting in that Wienermobile he’s turned into a total Oscar Mayer Dick,” said Colin Feeney, Ransom’s former best friend. “Last week I went over to listen to the new Hairy Scabs record, and he handed me these plastic bags—I was like ‘oh sick, glue time!’ But no, he made me put the bags over my Docs so I didn’t ‘track dog shit on his ketchup carpets.’ I even brought him the bottom half of a mannequin as a housewarming gift but he said it clashed with the ‘bun shui.’ It’s hard to be happy for him when he keeps acting better than me and rubbing his frankfurter-shaped home in my face.”
Despite the falling out with his friend, Ransom was thoroughly enjoying the heightened status that his glitzy new home gave him.
“You know why I’m acting this way? Because I live in a goddamn Wienermobile, that’s why,” said Rollins, wearing a three-piece mustard-colored suit he found crumpled up in the trunk. “Maybe if they pulled themselves up by their butt flaps and spent a few years scamming hard-working people like me they could one day achieve mobile hot dog ownership, too. They’re just jealous because I’ve been living in the lap of luxury eating gourmet hot dogs I found in the glove compartment.”
According to crust punk realtor Skully Ridgeway, there was a burgeoning market of crust punks looking to turn shithouses into their shithomes without sacrificing any of the scene cred.
“At Homebastard Realty, we help successful lower-lower-middle class crust punks fulfill their dreams of home squattership in unique crust-friendly locations like food-shaped vehicles, giant dinosaur roadside attractions, or sewer-view maintenance tunnels,” said Ridgeway, pulling a wet manilla envelope full of home listings out of the back of his pants. “For example, this spacious two-bedroom, thrashman-style home would be perfect for 10 to 15 crust punks to turn into their forever squat. Sure it’s only got a one-quarter bathroom, but I’ve personally taken a gnarly heroin detox shit in there and let me tell you that bucket can hold a lot more than you’d think.”
At press time, Feeney had escalated his rivalry with his former best friend by stealing a Planters Nutmobile from a junkyard and moving it next to Rollins’ Wienermobile.