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Crack Team of Research Scientists Set Out to Find What the Fuck Your Problem Is

WORCESTER, Mass. — A grant application submitted by the University of Massachusetts Medical School for “the expressed intent of further gaining understanding in what the fuck your problem is” was approved early this afternoon, administrators confirmed.

“The biggest question we’re trying to answer with our current hypothesis is, ‘We cool?’” elaborated Dr. Cornelius “Pauly” Demitrioni, founder and chair of the UMass Flex Department. “This will lead us to further determine whether this whole thing is really even worth me ruining a classy evening at Olive Garden with my lady — recent data suggests we stop rehashing old bullshit and just let it go already. No disrespect.”

The National Institute of Health will contribute $20 billion to the project — to date, the largest single subsidy to the burgeoning field of “just wanting to figure this shit out.” Early reports indicate NIH board members are thrilled by the news, now able to further their research into questions ranging from, “What the hell is wrong with you?” to “Are you fucking serious right now, dude?”

“We’re seeing a worldwide re-emergence of beefs thought to be permanently squashed years ago,” explained CDC director Robert Redfield. “For the first time in decades, we have confirmed cases of patients catching ‘these hands’ in areas where opportunities to ‘Watch your fucking mouth — I’m not fucking joking, man,’ were not exercised.”

Dr. Demitrioni noted his team looks forward to using their grant in part to dispel criticisms from colleagues that his lab had not completed clinical trials before the promised deadline.

“Yeah, I’ve heard them talking shit. They think I’m all bark and no bite,” he said. “Well, they can stay and get their ass beat, and then see who’s making groundbreaking strides in science. Maybe my next experiment will see just how deep I can shove a Nobel Prize down your fucking throat before you need a stick of dynamite to blow it out your ass. No disrespect.”

When asked for comment on his most vocal critic, fellow psychologist Dr. Craig Topherson, Dr. Demitrioni simply lifted up his shirt and flexed his abdominal muscles.