PORTLAND, Ore. — Recently engaged couple Bonnie Drake and Dexter Hummits revealed their intentions to wait until marriage to have sex with other people, sources who wondered if they thought that plan through confirmed.
“I’ve already caught myself thinking about other people during sex with my fiancé, so you can say I’m totally ready to get hitched,” said Drake while checking Instagram to see what an old ex had been up to recently. “What can I say? I’m pretty traditional when it comes to marriage. I just feel like our wedding night will be that much more special when the romance has completely fizzled out mere hours after saying ‘I do’ and the only way to fulfill my needs sexually is to sleep with Jerry in HR because we kind of flirted in the break room that one time. Dex also agrees that it’ll be more personal if we wait.”
“Super curious to finally know how he’ll perform in bed for the very first time with someone else. I wonder if it’ll be like how I always imagined it,” she added.
Friends of the couple urged them to ditch the outdated tradition.
“Literally no one waits until marriage to sleep around anymore,” said longtime friend Eve Summerville. “That’s like something they did in the ‘50s when women weren’t even allowed to do hot yoga. Honestly, Bonnie and Dexter should be like a normal unmarried couple and cheat on each other immediately. How will they know if they’re right for each other if they’ve never been intimate with other people while they were committed to each other before? Big mistake, guys.”
Experts, however, noted that waiting could have positive effects.
“There are a surprising amount of benefits couples experience when waiting until marriage to do a variety of things,” said family counselor LouAnn Miescke. “For instance, couples who wait until marriage to have sex with other people actually divorce less. Also, those who wait until marriage to talk about big picture topics like finances, whether they want children, and which direction the toilet paper roll goes often note that it really spices up the relationship to a degree that really shocks the system. It’s almost like it’s better to go into a marriage fresh without asking too many questions beforehand.“
At press time, Drake and Hummits admitted to performing oral sex on other people before they were married noting that “it doesn’t count if there’s no penetration.”