NEW YORK — Chaos and panic overwhelmed Times Square after the famous New Year’s Eve ball unexpectedly hatched causing revelers to be showered with millions of spiders, sources at the scene have confirmed.
“This black, ambiguous mass emerged from the ball like some kind of Eldritch horror and we all thought it was some kind of mixed reality advertisement for something dumb like body wash. But no, it was six million fucking banana spiders from the depths of hell and now it’s straight up mayhem. A knockoff Elmo just self-immolated and half the crowd is trying to escape into a single Duane Reade,” said terrified onlooker Mark Chesney. “Though seeing Ryan Seacrest falling through a manhole cocooned in spiderwebs was pretty amazing, we’re all certain this is the end times. Tell my wife I love her and don’t open the windows!”
City maintenance crews attempted to hold back the horde after it became clear help wasn’t arriving.
“Of course the mayor’s office took the lowest bid for this year’s countdown ball and we obviously got what we paid for. I knew something was up when we were installing it and it sounded like it was alive,” said sanitation worker Scott DeMaio. “The cops weren’t going to help until I told them spiders were trying to jump the subway turnstiles, but all they did was shoot indiscriminately into the air while running away. It looks like once again the sanitation team and our brooms are the last line of defense between chaos and civilization.”
Pest exterminators were brought in to assess the situation, though the outlook was bleak.
“Oh yeah, if you import anything from south of the equator, you’re bound to get some stowaways. These little buggers aren’t poisonous but damn are they nasty looking, so I don’t blame these folks for all the clawing and trampling. My brother in Tucson had the same problem when their countdown ball cracked open and out came a whole army of those horned lizards that shoot blood from their eyes,” said Frank Lambowski. “I’d have to use a three-year supply of poison to kill them all, so the best I can do is spray down the trains to keep them from escaping into New Jersey.
As of press time, Governor Hochul declared a state of emergency and asked FEMA to release 900,000 bats into the city to eat the spiders.