ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a reminder today that no one would’ve attended a Thursday night show anyway at KTUB in Kirkland, Wash. that was canceled due to an outbreak of Coronavirus, because “the Eastside scene sucks now and hasn’t been good since 2007, if not earlier.”
“We urge everyone in King County — especially residents of Kirkland, Bellevue, and Redmond — to remember how good we used to have it,” said spokesperson Kurt Anders. “Between November 1996 and August 1997, you could’ve seen The Blood Brothers, Murder City Devils, and Modest Mouse for $15. We extend our condolences to those affected by this week’s quarantine, but the CDC urges you to put things in perspective. I mean, come on: who do you have playing up there now? Fucking nobody.”
KTUB staff were confused by the CDC’s directive.
“We understand the seriousness of the current situation, but what bothers us is the surprisingly personal criticism of Kirkland’s only all-ages venue,” said KTUB volunteer Amanda Higgs. “We understand the Pacific Northwest isn’t in the spotlight it once was, but surely they didn’t need to individually name all of our employees as ‘washed-up nobodies with no soul left for art.’ You figure they’d be trying to find a cure for this outbreak instead of talking shit about the only people here trying to keep the scene alive.”
However, the CDC did give tips for enjoying live music while in self-quarantine.
“We’ve been working to create a live music experience much like NPR’s ‘Tiny Desk’ series, and bands from these canceled shows will stream acoustic sets live on the CDC website. So if you want to pretend to care about live music, just log in and enjoy,” said CDC events coordinator Andy Kunchenko. “If not, you might as well go physically destroy the venues you’ve destroyed with your apathy. Bust open KTUB’s change machine: the money inside is filthy, but it’ll spend, and no one can stop you now.”
The CDC noted that the only scene which may be negatively impacted by COVID-19 is Detroit, because “those fuckers know what it’s like to struggle for something, and they’re still putting shit out that rips.”
Photo by by NIH Image Gallery.