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Boy Caught Playing Bass After Lying to Mom About Being Out With Friends Doing Drugs

DARBY, Penn. — Local punk mother Janelle Zander was mortified to discover her son, whom she believed was out partying with friends, was actually diligently practicing bass, ashamed sources confirmed.

“It’s supremely cliche to say, but, you know, it’s not that I’m mad…I’m just deeply disappointed. As a parent, you try and try to raise someone of substance and worth, and here I am screwing up and raising an, ugh, upstanding citizen,” said Zander, as she received a stick-and-poke that read ‘MOTHER (I’M REFERRING TO MYSELF)’. “The worst part is, I know Matthew was lying about the ‘friends’ part of his alibi too now. There’s no bass player I’ve ever heard of who has any social circle whatsoever. Soon I suppose I’ll be finding out that he’s moved on to fretless or, I can’t even bring myself to say it…upright. Why oh why couldn’t he have taken to the acid-taking aspect of Flea’s personality and not the BASS-playing one?”

Zander’s teenage son says this is all a giant misunderstanding.

“It-it wasn’t mine! I was just slapping and popping it for a friend, so the strings wouldn’t get stiff, honest! I didn’t even like the sound! I thought it was a guitar, it’s not my fault they look so similar!” said the 13-year-old, while half-heartedly attempting to sound high. “I was going to go out and do some drugs right after, I promise! All sorts of drugs, like the ones they taught us in D.A.R.E…but, uh, they didn’t teach me! I wasn’t even paying attention, so I’m still going to do lots of them! In fact that’s how I got the instrument, I was just looking to freebase, but ended up with a free bass! Yeah, you can see why things got mixed up! So, can I have it back?”

Hector Schirripa, a guidance counselor at Penn Wood Middle, expressed his concern that Zander’s path could be a rocky one.

“Well, it goes without saying that we here at his school will be recommending suspension, that’s for sure. Although, between you and me, that usually affords the little delinquents more free time to explore the seedy depths of the low-end, so I don’t foresee that being a solution in the long run,” said a mournful Schirripa. “I tell you, how these things are still legal I’ll never understand. Teaching is often rewarding, but one downside is you see more than your fair share of youth get corrupted by the likes of your Claypools and Bootsy Collins’. There’s only so much guidance you can give a kid once they’ve bought their first Jaco Pastorious LP. After that, all you can do is just hope and pray it doesn’t lead to a jam band.”

At press time, Zander was heard trying to convince his mother the Bass Player magazines under his bed were just “oddly-themed issues of Hustler.”