WASHINGTON — President Biden insists he’s not dropping out of the presidential race even though his head was separated from his body in a freak helicopter accident suffered while exiting Marine One, according to blood-spattered sources.
“Listen, Jack, I’m the only one who can beat Trump, so of course I’m not stepping down,” said the president’s head from within a tank of preservative fluid. “Ignore the decapitation thing for a minute and look at everything I’ve accomplished. We had historic wins in 2020 and again in 2022. Under my leadership, we beat Medicare. I formed the League of Nations. I’m the guy who can stop Project 2025: A Space Odyssey. Folks, I’m fit as a fiddle. And to prove it, I’m challenging Jesse Owens to a foot race as soon as my head’s back on my body.”
Many people who were disturbed by Biden’s recent behavior say they’ll still vote for him in November.
“I voted for Biden in 2020 because he was the nominee, and if he’s on the ballot this time, I guess I’ll have to vote for him again,” sighed registered Democrat Alice Peppard. “Do I wish we had a younger option? Yes, of course. Also, I would prefer someone in decent health with his head still attached to his body. Maybe we’ve still got a chance—but if Trump does win, my plan is to try to get a Canadian to marry me to get me out of this shithole country. Barring that, I’ll just get a red baseball cap and try to blend in with the fascists.”
There are no laws or statutes which prohibit a disembodied head from running for office according to constitutional scholar Gareth McNary.
“Nowhere in the founding documents does it state that a candidate must have their head connected to their body in order to be eligible,” said McNary. “In fact, candidates aren’t required to have a conventional body at all. In 1840 a gentleman named Rudolph Weiss vied for the Whig Party nomination. Weiss was little more than an amorphous puddle of flesh that had to be wheeled around in a cart. He didn’t win the nomination—not because of his disfigurement, but because he advocated for the abolition of slavery, something that was pretty unpalatable to most voters of the time.”
As of press time, Biden’s head had been temporarily grafted onto a Boston Dynamics robot dog, allowing the president to return to the campaign trail.