LEMI, Finland — The International Heavy Metal Association (IHMA) agreed today to accept that “Beer” and “Professional Wrestling” will be recognized as official subgenres for the community, sources within the council report.
“This decision comes after years of intense lobbying by fans who have long argued that their love for frosty brews and body slams are as integral to the metal experience as headbanging and guitar riffs,” said IHMA member Mikael Olander, who then played an air guitar solo in celebration. “We believe that heavy metal is more than just a genre of music; it’s a way of life. And what better way to celebrate that lifestyle than by officially recognizing the two things that metalheads love almost as much as their music: cheap beer and insane wrestling.”
Other members, however, are not pleased with the results of the vote.
“This is a travesty. Heavy metal is supposed to be about rebellion, darkness, and the eternal struggle against the forces of conformity,” lamented IHMA chairperson Nigel Blackwood, who ceremoniously removed his leather vest in protest. “What do beer and wrestling have to do with any of that? You know wrestling is fake, right? Now we are going to have awful pun-heavy bands like Brewtality and Headlock Havoc filling up our lineups. I take my music very seriously, and I won’t be on the same bill as Chokehold Chug or some dumb shit like that.”
Experts believe that this is just another step in the evolution of metal itself.
“Heavy metal has always been about breaking boundaries and defying expectations,” metal historian Dr. Mats Hermansson explained. “By embracing two popular activities within the community, they are simply continuing that tradition. Think about it: both beer and wrestling are about community, about coming together to celebrate something larger than oneself. In the same way that metal concerts are a communal experience, so too are beer festivals and wrestling matches.”
Hot off of this victory, fans have already announced plans to try and get motorcycles added at next year’s conference.