MODESTO, Calif. — A local arsonist who torched a brand new Cybertruck as it sat on the lot of a nearby Tesla dealership claims his crime should be overlooked because he provided a community service by improving its design, according to onlookers who couldn’t disagree.
“Yup, that was all me,” stated the masked man who did not want to be named. “I torched the fucker. Not because of any politically motivated reasons, just because it was the most hideous piece of junk that I’ve ever seen. Not only is it incredibly offensive to the human eye, it’s also so poorly made that a tiny child can literally rip pieces off of it with minimal effort. This kind of abomination deserves only one fate—to burn in the pits of hell from which it came.”
Bystander Craig Berger couldn’t be more impressed with the new design.
“I’m normally a big law and order guy, but in this case the artistic wonder created definitely should give the culprit a pass,” posited Berger. “I’ve never seen so much raw talent before. The way that arsonist was able to melt the weird pointy top into something more appealing was really a thing of beauty. I’m just a small town boy who’s never been outside of the USA, but I’d like to think what this guy created was on par with the great manmade wonders of the world like the pyramids or that Italian statue of the naked guy with his pecker out.”
University arts professor Yvonne Banham says oftentimes vandalism actually improves the original work.
“What we’re seeing in the US is a world-wide phenomenon,” said Banham. “Our first reaction when we see things being defaced is outrage, until we have some time to digest what has occurred. Then, oftentimes, we realize that perhaps the original piece of art as it was initially designed was sub par. I don’t have any opinion on the Cybertrucks per se, but I do know throwing some orange soup on the Mona Lisa sure improved the aesthetics by giving it some edge. Without it, that bitch was as basic as you could get.”
At press time, a few customers were already expressing interest in purchasing the newly designed trucks.