ANOKA, Minn. — A conservative anti-abortion picketer was confused after being unable to convert a single person to his cause, even after picketing at a local farmer’s market for 40 consecutive weeks.
“What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried harassing passersby, screaming at children with a bullhorn, and displaying out-of-context medical waste photos and still no one will acknowledge me. You’d think after nearly a year, one person would take the time out of their Saturday morning to have me explain to them abortion is murder, and liberal women are whores,” said Jonah Williams. “I’m rethinking my strategy, like maybe using a bigger font for the sign listing everyone who’s going to Hell. Even the vendors are icing me out! I almost got through to the lady who sells cranberries, but it turns out they were just filming me for a TikTok video to shit all over me. At least it got 400,000 likes.”
Frequent marketgoers have learned to tune Williams out, despite his rantings.
“This asshole just doesn’t give up, and for some reason he singles me out every weekend which I assume is because of my tattoos. I’d love to not listen to him demonify my bodily autonomy but this market hands down has the best zucchini,” said Emily Hutchinson. “If he wants to exercise his First Amendment right, good for him. But by now he must realize nobody here gives a shit, unless he’s one of those guys who gets off on being humiliated in public. I’m not sure which one is worse.”
The market coordinator admitted he only let in Williams in order to be politically neutral, despite him being a nuisance.
“He’s like the third wackjob who’s been booted out of other public spaces, and for some reason the farmer’s market is their last stand. Technically I can’t boot them out since they have the right to exercise free speech, so I made up a ‘free speech’ area they have to stand in so they don’t chase people away from the organic squash,” said Leon Fuller. “It’s kind of sad watching Jonah come here for weeks on end to shout at a demographic he’ll never convert to his cause, but then I remember that keeping him contained here prevents him from harassing a Planned Parenthood.”
Williams finally managed to engage market patrons after they all bought out all the market’s organic tomatoes to throw at him.