AUSTIN, Texas — Adrenochrome “Addy” Jones, the five-year-old German Sherperd owned by far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, claims to have proof that the still unnamed respiratory infection affecting dogs across several states is linked to a lab in China.
“I have it on good authority that the disease was bioengineered to target Christian blue-collared dog patriots that love this country. These satan worshiping cats over in Red China are attempting to wipe us out,” barked Addy during a taping of a recent podcast. “And don’t get me started on the veterinarians. They have no idea what they are doing. Dogs are going to these vets, they are being poked, prodded, and nobody is calling them a good boy or a good girl, and they leave without a single treat. It makes me want to puke up all the grass I just ate.”
A local bloodhound named Riggins is one of Addy’s loyal listeners and admitted he wasn’t surprised about the accusations.
“Addy was the dog that discovered some of the chew toys being manufactured in China were turning dogs gay. Every time I went to the dog park I knew who had been chewing on one of those toys because they would try to mount me instantly,” said Riggins. “I listened to today’s episode when I was walking my human and he showed me that these cats behind the disease are really demons working for the devil on behalf of the global elite. If you’re wondering why they’re targeting dogs, go ahead and take a look at the word dog and tell me what that spells backward. There is your answer.”
This claim of the disease originating as a bioweapon has not gone without criticism from the veterinary community.
“As of right now we are not sure where the disease originated. But saying it came from a lab in China is completely ludicrous and there is no basis for that scientific conclusion and will only create a bigger bias against breeds like the Chinese Crested,” said leading veterinary pathologist Dr. Dina Vaccum. “Addy has a long history of spreading wild unsubstantiated rumors. Like his famous ‘Puppygate’ conspiracy theory where he claimed members of the Democratic party were eating live puppies below a Petco outside of Washington D.C.”
To prevent infection, experts suggest that dog owners both limit interactions with large groups of dogs and maintain their deep distrust of cats.