BARKLEY, Ore. — Residents gathered Tuesday evening outside Town Hall to protest Mayor Waffles, a five-year-old dog, after he approved a controversial 2.3 million-square-foot data center project expected to transform the local economy and consume more electricity and water than the town’s 8,000 residents combined, confirmed sources.
“At the end of the day, the mayor carefully considered all perspectives, but the approval came after Waffles spent approximately six minutes sniffing a tennis ball brought by representatives from tech developer DataGulp before wandering over to the ‘Approve’ side of the council chambers and sitting down,” said Town Manager Linda Mercer. “He listened to community concerns, reviewed the environmental impact report while chewing on it extensively, and ultimately made the decision he felt was best for the community.”
The project is expected to create only two permanent jobs, barely increase municipal tax revenue, and produce a constant ear-bleeding hum that experts say residents will either pretend to stop noticing or spend the rest of their lives arguing about on Facebook.
“This whole thing stinks of dog shit,” said local conspiracy theorist and podcaster Gary Whistle, who has spent years alleging corruption within the mayor’s administration. “He always tries to be like, ‘Oh I’m not political — I’m just a dog.’ But if that’s the case then why was he a guest on the fucking Joe Rogan Experience last year? Just look into his offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands under ‘Good Boy Holdings LLC,’ and you’ll find the ungodly amount of treats and toys from DataGulp that Waffles sold us all out for. Enjoy your clean streams and drinking water while you can because Waffles fucked us!”
State environmental advocates also expressed strong concern over the facility’s projected water usage but acknowledged the challenge of opposing a politician with a 94% approval rating.
“Every time we criticize him, he just rolls over, shows his belly, and shoots up even higher in the polls,” said organizer Rachel Kim. “It’s absolutely devastating to our messaging. We simply cannot compete with such a force of political adorability. Hopefully, he’ll be voted out of office next election, but unfortunately, he ran uncontested last time.”
As of press time, Waffles had seemingly deflected all widespread criticism by wearing a tiny firefighter costume that locals have dubbed “cute as fuck.”
