NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local woman and dedicated shower pisser Esme Hill reportedly held her urine in longer than usual on Tuesday night so she…
BALTIMORE — Local punk and wannabe anarchist Kevin Tomlin was upset to discover being an anarchist would require community involvement and not just make him…
Move over, Christian Bale. There’s a way more method-y actor in Hollywood, and it’s none other than 2021’s Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards nominee for Favorite…
CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police…
ATHENS, Ohio — Self-described lover of crystals, energy healing, and astrology Emma Cobb is reportedly only into hobbies that allow her to casually stereotype people,…
PEORIA, Ill. — Self-described wolf enthusiast Roy Greene immortalized his obsession with the animal since childhood in a hastily drawn tattoo on the upper portion…
FREEHOLD, N.J. — Local mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a known ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for 20 minutes…
WESTON, Conn. — Police supporter Derek Conroy is “pretty confident” that there is no over-policing problem in the United States because he has never seen…
WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted…
WASHINGTON — Embattled congressman Matt Gaetz shocked officials inside the Beltway with a bombshell announcement regarding his age, stunned Capitol Hill sources confirmed. “I’m only…
QUINCY, Mass. — Local man and self-described introvert Blake Crowley became an adamant anti-vaccine activist in a desperate attempt to avoid being forced to attend…
HOBOKEN, N.J. — Local nonbeliever and Bon Jovi fan Tami Clarkson has been mentally cruising through unemployment solely by the quotes and wisdom of atheist…
WASHINGTON — President Biden urged American citizens to peacefully allow law enforcement to continue murdering them following a spike in shootings of unarmed Black people…
LOS ANGELES — Acoustic guitarist Harry “Wild Child” Kearns caused a mass evacuation from a local vaccine site with his terrible acoustic renditions of pop…
CHICAGO — The embattled President of Fraternal Order of Police Lodge 7, John Cattanzara, sought to negotiate for police officers to receive 45 more murders…