15. George Liquor
George is a right-wing nut job, which means he’s probably MAGA now, which means he’s probably into QAnon, which means he’s anti-pedophilia unless anyone catches his church or other Republicans like Matt Gaetz doing it. Who the hell knows what this guy knows. Cognitive dissonance is at an all time high.
14. Mr. Horse
As far as we all know, when Mr. Horse doesn’t like something, he’s not afraid to voice his concern. However, this equestrian figure has a questionable past since he’s clearly once kidnapped a walrus and is in desperate need of rubber walrus protectors. Hard to say what he knows for sure.
13. Tooth Beaver
The Tooth Beaver lives inside teeth and nibbles on nerve endings. If they love inflicting physical pain so much, one would have to assume emotional abuse isn’t too much of a stretch for these mouth-based rodents. Totally guilty of something.
12. The Bloody Head Fairy
The Bloody Head Fairy is exactly what it sounds like. If you put a bloody head under your pillow or, even more effective, on top of your head when you go to bed, you’ll get a dime lodged in your ear in the morning. This is pretty messed up, so of course this deranged tooth fairy has “seen some things” and was likely complicit.
11. Stimpy
Stimpson J. Cat is an eternal optimist and sees everything with rose-colored glasses. He once tried to fix Schneider’s on-set behavior by trying to get him to wear his patented Happy Helmet to resolve the issue, but Dan was able to break loose from the device by smashing it with a hammer while he was wearing it. Unfortunately, you have to try harder than that with these sickos.
10. Announcer Salesman
This unnamed character is an announcer and salesman by trade. He is persuasive and professional yet not above deceiving people for a sale. This man would easily look past Schneider’s vile on-set behavior if it meant he could still earn a living. This is one of the main tenets of capitalism.
9. Reverend Jack Cheese
You could probably tell from his meat robe, skin hat, and headwear made of sausage, cheese, and olive that this man is batshit. This meat peddler definitely knows some Nickelodeon secrets. Some of which are probably stemming from the reverend himself.
8. Shaven Yak
What the Easter Bunny is to Easter, the Shaven Yak is to Yak Shaving Day. He rides through the sky in a canoe, much like Santa does. And like Kris Kringle, he probably knows who’s naughty and nice, so this mythological yak knows what’s up. I guess that means Santa Claus knows and was complicit during the scandal as well. That explains everything.
7. Old Man Hunger
Maybe it’s the chicken drumstick that he wears on his head or the bandage over his butthole or the fact that he’s always naked around a chihuahua and cat. This creep clearly has the genetic makeup and fashion sense that would characterize him as someone who would be cool with Dan Schneider’s behavior.
6. The Nerve Ending Fairy
The Nerve Ending Fairy is like a mentally unbalanced Tooth Fairy that collects oral nerve endings instead of teeth. More importantly, he looks exactly like Old Man Hunger with a wig. Therefore, see: Old Man Hunger.
5. Stinky Wizzleteats
Sure, Stinky wrote the iconic “Happy Happy Joy Joy,” but the lyrics only seem to get more unhinged and threatening as the song progresses. This man clearly knows a lot of sick shit, but can only reveal it through the use of metaphor and song.
4. The Lout Brothers
The Lout Brothers are professional wrestlers, and judging by the countless sexual misconduct allegations and trafficking charges against WWE bigwig Vince McMahon, this kind of criminal behavior is just normal for them that they let slide for the sake of the oiled-up-men entertainment industry.
3. Ren Höek
Ren is so toxic that he could have his own “Quiet on the Set” spinoff series that documents his poor treatment of castmates, in particular his abuse toward co-star Stimpy. By osmosis, Ren probably knew a little of what was going on with Schneider. Inappropriate behavior and misconduct like this was seemingly rampant at Nickelodeon.
2. Haggis McHaggis
Haggis sounds exactly like Scrooge McDuck and is short-tempered, self-centered, vengeful, abusive, and once tied up Ren and Stimpy so he could put on his own show called “Ben and Stumpy.” If anything, this man was not just complicit, but actively participating in heinous actions on set. What a fat, bloated idiot.
1. Muddy Mudskipper
Don’t be fooled by his segmented eyes and bubbly personality on his show, this guppy has a dark side. Yes, he knew about Dan’s heinous behavior, but he also didn’t want his own show to get canceled as a consequence of snitching. Not cool, Muddy.
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