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We Spoke with Real Americans About the Election But Turns Out They’re All Pretty Fucking Stupid

Recently, the elitist SJWs of The Hard Times took a moment out of our busy lives of canceling posers to visit some dusty old butthole of a small town and speak with “real Americans” about the 2020 election.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Isn’t it wrong to perpetuate this ill-conceived notion that small town, white Americans are somehow more authentic and/or patriotic than educated, coastal city dwellers?”

It sure is! But every goddamn election, news channel stick microphones in front of these pie-munching yokels as if they’ve got salt-of-the-earth wisdom pouring out of their bulbous asses. So why can’t we reinforce racist and classist stereotypes, too?

But what we learned is, real Americans are really fucking stupid. So stupid that, had this been before my political awakening six months ago, I’d call them an ableist slur. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna- just not in print.

Take Rory, a regular joe gas-pumper living in Iowa. Rory is in favor of a border wall because, as this tobacco-chewing redneck incoherently rambled, “While I support immigration as a whole, I’d prefer future Americans from Latin American countries to use the same legal channels as immigrants like our wonderful neighbors, the Pancholi’s from India.” Ew. What a moron. I’d explain to him why his head is completely up his ass but I don’t think he’d understand. Moving on!

Next, we went to a local diner and spoke with the waitress, Beverly. Beverly lost all her retirement savings in the 2008 crash and needs food stamps and Medicare just to survive. But she will never, ever vote for a Democrat because, according to the words her meth-addled brain was able to string together, “The issues my small town community faces on a day to day level are greatly influenced by local politics and our economic concerns are vastly different than the country as a whole. The small-government aspect of the Republican party trumps all of the issues I am liberal on.” lol wut?

Lastly, we spoke with a man who’s name our lawyers advised us not to print. This fella either confused camo with an appropriate fashion choice or believed he needed cover while eating cream-chipped beef. When asked about his ideal candidate, camo man “wants a guy I can have a beer with.” What a fucking stupid reason to even consider as a factor when voting for the President of the United States! When I voted for Obama I didn’t think, “I’d love to get a beer with this guy!” Hell no. I thought, “I’d like to get a seasonal 90 minute IPA with this guy!”

Perhaps the biggest takeaway from our excursion outside our liberal bubble is this – We should all go vote! Assuming you’re planning to vote for the person we want you to. Otherwise, just stay home.

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