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We Sat Down With No One Because We’re Not Allowed To

One of the best parts of working for The Hard Times is getting to sit down with all of the celebrities, punk legends, and interesting people that grant us interviews. At least, it was one of the best parts of the job until coronavirus quarantine came and took it all away. How the hell are we supposed to do our job if we can’t sit down with anybody?!

Okay, I am legit losing my mind. I’m supposed to work “remotely” for the time being but I’m an interview guy! What am I supposed to do, interview my craigslist roommate?

The Hard Times: Hey Greg, quarantine sucks right?
Greg: Yeah
Great talk!

Ugh, see how much this sucks? I’ve interviewed Greg 14 days in a row and it’s been exactly that every time. He’s lucky, he’s an introvert, he can just retreat into his Nintendo switch. Not me, baby! I gotta be where the people are! Fuck it, let’s interview the cat!

The Hard Times: Mimsy, how has quarantine affected you as a cat?
Mimmsy: I don’t like you. 
This interview is over, I scratch you! 
Oww goddamit! 

Great, now I have to worry about coronavirus AND Toxoplasmosis or whatever. Fucker must have nicked an artery or something. This is a lot of blood for a cat scratch. I don’t know if this is the brain parasite or the blood loss talking but I’m pretty sure I can interview that sock over there.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with us Mr. Stitch-heel
Mr. Stitch-heel the sock: My Pleasure! 
So, I understand you’re an athlete. 
You think I haven’t heard that joke before, fucker?
Hey, come on man.
How about I punch your fuckin’ lights out, pal?
Oww goddamit! 

Why does everything I anthropomorphize attack me?! Christ, who am I going to interview now? This Zoom chat window with Keith Richards in it?

Keith Richard: Hey, are we gonna start the interview now?
The Hard Times: Shut up, Alexa! 

Wait a minute, computers… technology… the phone! I can interview someone over the phone!

The Hard Times: Hey, is this Amber?
Amber: Yeah? 
Hey Amber, it’s Neil. You wanna get back together? 
Okay. Hey, I know this is another long shot but do you have Keith Richards’ number?