We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark reading: “TRUEPATRIOTS” and whose Facebook profile pic was of his bicep tattoo of the Staind logo.
At first, we weren’t sure how sincere he was. But since he replied to the post with, “I mean it!” we figured to take his word for it.
After introducing ourselves and explaining our stance on the American flag as a symbol of capital-driven oppression, he asked us to fill out a brief questionnaire about how much stuff we’ll be moving and what dates would work best for us. When we inquired about his rates he told us “one less libtard is payment enough” and that we would only have to reimburse him for fuel.
This guy has some pretty reprehensible views, but we have to admit he is a damned efficient mover! He had us packed and loaded in 3 hours flat. I don’t think those InfoWars supplements have been “recalibrating his parietal enzymes” as he says, but he was a massive help all the same.
Granted, there were a few issues. Any time we offered him water, he would rant something about how regular hydration is responsible for the emasculation of society. Also, he kept recommending we check out these comedians who were deplatformed for “being too real.”
He found a way to argue for mandatory school prayer while measuring the dimensions of a refrigerator box, but we can’t bash his method for storing plates.
Micro-rants and terrible youtube recommendations aside, he was pretty pleasant throughout the entire process, happy even. He said that moving actually soothes him a bit because it’s “nice to focus on something other than the cabal of liberal pedophiles eroding our democracy for a while.”
He was a little ticked off when he found out we weren’t moving out of the country and had just found a better place down the street. He calmed down when we reminded him that we would be 900 yards further from him and that when the time came to renunciate our citizenship, we would hit him up.