While The Hard Times is primarily a punk news website, we’ll never hesitate to interview a notable figure in any field if it means expanding our readership and earning more of that sweet, sweet ad revenue. As such, when the opportunity arose to interview the demon that possessed the dog of the neighbor of David Berkowitz, AKA Son of Sam, we just had to take it. For those of you who aren’t true crime nerds (like we’ve been since reading the Wikipedia page on Berkowitz in anticipation of this interview,) Berkowitz initially claimed the possessed dog convinced him to commit a span of murders in New York City during the summer of 1977, but later recanted. Who are we to believe, the psychotic killer or the demon? We put on our investigative journalist hats and sat down with Xathrhael to get to the bottom of this.
The Hard Times: Hi Xathrhael, how are you?
Xathrhael: I have risen from the depths of the Abyss, where I drink from the ceaseless agony of the damned as the delicious flames of the Foul Tempter lick their flesh. Why have you summoned me?
HT: Oh, we heard that you convinced Son of Sam to commit his spate of murders 47 years ago, and we wanted your insight on the matter.
X: Lies! The fool claimed falsely that I was the impetus for his actions. While it is true I possessed his neighbor’s dog on certain summer nights, it was only so I could freely stalk the streets of that wretched city in search of impressionable souls.
HT: Berkowitz wasn’t one of them?
X: No, I sensed his lack of promise shortly after inhabiting the beast. I am capable of much more than a scattered series of car shootings. I have potential that your worthless race of idiot brats cannot even dream of. I am limitless.
HT: Hey, you don’t have to insult us! We may just be a punk news website, but we’re smart! Three of us have taken the LSATs!
X: I see that. There is a light in your eyes that far surpasses that of David’s.
HT: Nice try, demon. What did we just say? We know better than to fall for your tricks.
X: Wow, you are smart. You can’t blame me for trying.
HT: Damn right.
X: I suppose, then, that we should conclude this little back-and-forth. It is a shame, really. It’s not every day that I’m brought to this planet by the chosen ones.
HT: Wait. What do you mean, chosen ones?
X: Do not be coy, Hard Times writers. You know how special you are.
HT: Wow, that really means a lot, Xathrhael. What other complimentary traits have you detected in us?
X: I can offer you the entire universe and all the bounty therein. I only ask for you to sign this parchment with the crimson flow from your finger’s parted skin. Would you like a moment to read it?
HT: We’ll skim it for a second, but honestly, this sounds like a plan.
There you have it. Xathrhael is actually a pretty great guy once you get to know him. We have to conclude the article here, however, given that we’re the chosen ones and, according to Xathrhael, we “must act now because the Hour of Judgment is at hand.”