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Want Your Kids to Be Successful? According to Experts, Tough Luck Shithead

We all want the best for our children, and in an increasingly competitive world that presents challenges. In the information age technology is evolving faster than ever. So how do you get your children to stay ahead? According to science, there is no fucking way, asshole.

Cutting edge research on the parenting techniques that make a person successful suggests that maybe you’re just too dumb, dummy. “You ever think about that?” asks neurological researcher Jason Yun. “I bet you didn’t! I bet you fucking didn’t you dumb, dumb sack of shit dumbhead.”

There is also growing evidence that you smell bad. According to psychological development expert Peter Strauss “What we’re finding is that you smell very bad, probably because you’re a big piece of shit, and your kids are probably going to be dumb and smelly and that’s just too fucking bad for you.”

Strauss’s findings represent a radical break from traditional child psychology. “We’ve been told our whole lives that by encouraging creativity and work ethic in our kids at a young age we can increase their chances of success. But if you actually look at the data, you just suck. You suck, your kid sucks, and you’re just shit out of luck friend.”

With the wealth of new data brought on by the information age, as well as huge developments in the fields of genetics, brain imaging and behavior psychology scientists are confident that you are the absolute worst piece of crap they have ever met.

“Fuck you.” explains researcher Debra Harrison. “Fuck you and your stupid ass kid. Fuck outta here.”

So what advice does science have for parents who just want a bright future for their children? “Errr, aye juss wann a bwight fukchta fo my wittle chiwdren durrr’ …that’s you.” confirms Harrison. “That’s what you sound like.”

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