It was unmistakably Eric Andre ordering a Chablis on the rocks next to me at the bar. I’m a pretty big comedy fan (name a Netflix stand-up special I haven’t seen, I’m waiting…) so I leaned in and said, “Legalize ranch!” For a moment I didn’t know if he was going to hit me or kiss me, but then he laughed. At my joke! Or I guess it was his joke technically, but I said it! And before I knew it, we were doing shots of ranch in the VIP section of Ruth’s Chris, just two guys goofing off and getting to know each other.
Not everyone “gets” Eric’s brand of humor but I’ve seen a bunch of his stuff so when he asked if I could ‘“make his kid’s teacher disappear” I instantly knew he was doing a bit. Believe it or not, I’ve actually taken some improv classes before, so I was just trying to understand the game better and help elevate the scene any way I could. I didn’t fully understand all of it, but he clearly wanted this idiot teacher dead and had a hilariously convoluted plan involving the MS13 and an organ-harvesting pyramid scheme. Who was I to say no? There’s actually a famous improv saying — “Yes and” — which basically means you have to say yes to everything otherwise you’re not funny and you ruin the scene.
So there I was dressed like a police officer in a gas station bathroom in Chino with all these plastic bags full of bloody rags and I’m thinking, don’t laugh. We have to get this shot. Eric was probably off somewhere watching the dailies, just waiting for me to break. And I almost did when the SWAT team kicked in the door. So friggin EPIC! How are they even filming this? I haven’t seen any cameras except for that one flip-phone camera Eric was using to film me in the shower.
Anyways I’m at my “sentencing” right now. I just can’t believe how elaborate this prank is. Talk about a long con, who would even want to watch this? Especially all the legal crap and the sad stuff with my parents. And when is Eric even coming back? He could clear up all this business about the prop knife he gave me. And the prop corpse I “mutilated.” This judge looks so familiar. I feel like they were on an episode of Broad City maybe? Ah this is going to bug me.
The death penalty!? Wow that’s a little over the top but ok. Kind of thought this would be the point where they would say “Sike” or something. I’ll tell you what, these handcuffs do not feel like props. Neither did my cellmate’s prop penis from the other night. Still kind of unpacking that whole situation. Oh, I know where that judge is from! He was in that true crime doc about that guy who killed all those people… and got the death penalty. Oh Jesus. Ok, I think I fucked up bad.