We’ve all been there. Feeling stuck at your job; maybe staring at your dumbass kid. Dreaming of the day when you’d finally have the time—with no distractions!—to finally finish all those things you’ve been putting off until “tomorrow.” Well, the moment you’ve been wishing for, albeit with a horrible monkey’s paw ironic twist, has already come and mostly went.
Since you decided to fall into new depraved levels of sloth, we figured we’d help you countdown the top 5 ways you’ve failed yourself.
Working out
For sale: protein powder, never opened. Remember this one, spaghetti arms? You should, because this one has been on your list since you were 13, but there was “never enough time.” Well, congratulations, now that Peloton is just a $2,000 cat tree.
Yes, sure, you couldn’t go to the gym because of the global pandemic but you could have done push-ups during the load screens on Skyrim. You could have walked to the bathroom instead of peeing into empty Doritos bags and laying them around your room, something! Now the sands of time have slipped through your skinny fingers like so much undrunk creatine.
Cleaning your house
Time to face facts, you’re gonna die in here. They will find your mummified corpse underneath a strata of old pizza boxes, flattened beer cans, and strangely stiff rare band t-shirts. You always had plans to make your place look so cute it would make Pinterest shit its pants. Now here you are, months and months later, and the only thing that shit its pants was you. Weeks ago.
And they’re right over there. On the floor. You can see them.
Art
Leonardo da Vinci once said, “Art is never finished, only abandoned” and boy, did you abandon it. You left it on the doorstep before it was born. Sure, you bought spray paint, you bought duct tape, you stole a banana, you got all the essentials but you never got around to pouring your soul into them, bleeding your heart onto the canvas so everyone who stepped into your apartment would know that you really, truly, “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.”
Yourself
Wow, this did not go well. I mean, you had plans. You were going to read more, try yoga, maybe meditate, but the only thing you meditated on was rewatching every episode of Golden Girls. And unfortunately, much like Sophia, you proved to be adorably sassy and difficult when it comes to change. Next pandemic maybe aim small and just try to shower every other day?
Watch porn
Okay, credit where credits due, this one you knocked out of the park.