We all know dating sucks, but one of the Internet’s few redeeming qualities is its ability to match you with someone you have a better chance of connecting with than the old methods of singles bars and awkward setups from well-intentioned friends. Now, you can find someone with whom you share an attraction without even having to leave your home. What an age we live in!
Which brings us to the next step: you’ve matched with your dream girl on Tinder, and you two have bonded over your shared love of “Severance” and your frustration over the long wait for the next novel in Patrick Rothfuss’s “Kingkiller Chronicle.” She wants to meet up at a local bar, and you’d like to wow her with the perfect outfit. Up to now, she’s only seen selfies you’ve taken at work and one picture of you in a casual dress shirt at your grandmother’s birthday party. Rest assured that she’ll be blown away when she catches a glimpse of your casual wardrobe!
While musical tastes have not yet been broached in your dialog, your outspoken affinity for blast beats and death growls is about to become extremely apparent. Here are some tips to make sure you find the perfect pair of camo cargo shorts for your big date.
Color is key.
We know you love your traditional Army green shorts, but they’re bound to clash with whatever choice you make from your bountiful cache of black shirts. You’ll only get one first impression here, and you don’t want that to be of somebody who doesn’t know how to coordinate his ensemble. Go with the black camo Levi’s and tell those greenies not to feel bad, as you’ll be donning them with pride at next month’s Obituary show.
Excessive pockets are essential.
You’re a busy man of the 21st century, and she’ll appreciate that your attire reflects that. Not everybody has the ability to retrieve old, empty packs of Marlboro Reds and crumpled Target receipts from the sides of their legs, but that’s exactly it: you’re not just another guy. Additional storage around your lower extremities is something you can offer on top of an attentive ear and caring shoulder to cry on, and you want that to be obvious from the moment she sets eyes on you.
Don’t forget those strings at the bottom!
We’re not sure about you, but we don’t consider them cargo shorts unless they have strips of material randomly hanging out from the bottom and dangling around your ankles as you walk, and we can almost guarantee that your date will have an even more discerning eye than we do. You may be able to regale her with tales of the time Glenn Benton walked right past you after the Deicide show in Cleveland, but it’ll mean bupkis if your shorts aren’t reflective of your love for Floridian death metal. Let those bad boys hang!
Keep the fraying to a minimum.
Come on, this is a first date we’re talking about! Save the super frayed pair you wore to last week’s Defeated Sanity concert for the third or fourth date. We’re not suggesting something ridiculous like washing them, just that you wait until you know each other better before you bust them out. Plus, they still have that bloodstain on them from the wall of death, so you better make a mental note to lick your fingernail and try to scratch that out before she sees them.
Don’t forget the belt.
And we’re not talking about the good work belt you shelled out $14.99 for at Kohl’s either. That’s right; we of course mean the grey cloth one that came with the shorts you plan on wearing. Once she sees that those aforementioned strings hovering in front of your shins match the rope-like belt twisting over itself at your waist, she’ll fall head over heels. Trust us.
There you have it. If you adhere to these easy-to-follow guidelines, your days of being single will be drastically numbered. So match that perfect pair of cargos with your Gorgasm logo shirt (shelf the one with the artwork from “Lacerated Masturbation” for now) and get ready to change your relationship status on Facebook! Oh, and that Obituary show you’re going to next month? You’d better buy an extra ticket, if you catch our drift.