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Sweet Karma: Snobby Straight Edger Develops Beer Belly

Oh ho ho, would you look at this shit. Looks like somebody got a beer belly over the years. Somebody who used to judge me for my alcohol use now looks like they’ve spent the last 10 years with their mouth attached to a keg tap. Boy oh boy is this a karmic treat, you fat fuck.

Remember when you would condescendingly warn me of the health risks associated with drinking? Long term effects like liver failure, heart disease, and falling off that roof again. Well at least I still have a flat stomach since I can’t afford food and you’re standing there looking like somebody shoved a Death Star under your shirt.

And you didn’t even get that belly from drinking! HA! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Fucking dumbass. All the fat and none of the fun, aye tubbo? That’ll teach you to call the cops on my party. I mean, I can’t say for sure it was you but you don’t drink so of course you were jealous of the killer party I threw in your backyard with two of my friends. Sorry I didn’t invite you, you’re just not cool.

God, this feels good. Speaking of which, I now believe in God. And Karma. And Serendipity- not the concept, the fruit flavored vodka I just drank a fifth of. Shit tastes just as good going down as it does coming back up. Speaking of which, I’m feeling sick just looking at your Facebook photos you snobby sack of shit. Although I do usually feel sick during my nightly drunken Facebook binges.

Look at you and that gigantic belly. Where’s all your health tips now? Where’s all the advice on thinking about long term health? Nowhere. Enjoy your boring straight-edge life you fat loser.

Oh, and congratulations! I know you and Steve had been trying to get pregnant for a while.