Son, I remember what times were like when I was your age: the school crushes, the long, agonizing classes, the “locker room talk”…but maybe most importantly, the music. Oh man, oh man, we had some great bands back then – Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, the Red Hot Chili Peppers…some people even liked Third Eye Blind, I hear. I know high school is a weird time and it feels like everyone’s doing everything they can to fit in, but it’s hard. Well, take a lesson from your ol’ Pop: if you really want to stand out and be cool, then it’s time to start getting pretentious about Radiohead.
Fifteen is the perfect age to start developing some really rock-solid opinions on popular bands. You’re not an adult yet, but you’re also not a little boy, so maybe people will actually listen to what you have to say. Alright, here’s step one of the masterclass: insist that Kid A is Radiohead’s most interesting and thought-provoking album by a mile. Pablo Honey and The Bends are tired and worn out. OK Computer? Just OK. But to you, Kid A never gets old. The idiosyncratic and at times off-putting melodies woven throughout reflect a dark, mysterious understanding of the world that only your adolescent self truly relates to. I got that from Pitchfork, you can use it.
Also, you’re gonna want to boldly claim that you understand the lyrics to ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ on a fundamentally much deeper level than everyone else.
With that out of the way, it’s on to step two: dismiss all of their most popular songs outright. “Creep”, “No Surprises”, “High and Dry”…to you, all of them are overplayed. You’re fifteen now, that kind of normie shit is beneath you. You’re more of an “Optimistic” and “Dollars and Cents” kind of guy. This will demonstrate to your peers that you have listened to a lot of Radiohead and can even name some songs on their less popular albums. If anyone asks why you like those songs more, you can say that you like anti-consumerist messaging and find them more melodically interesting.
Oh, and here’s a word that you should burn into your brain: production. “The production is so forward-thinking and inventive.” That’ll really knock the socks off of your classmates.
Now, you’ll need to be prepared for a major curveball: what to do if one of your fellow Radiohead-discovering friends asks you for your opinion on In Rainbows. If this happens, don’t panic. Scrunch up your face as if you’re very deep in thought, and then reply that it depends on the day for you…on some you find it to be one of their more surprising and interesting “projects” (you’ve been watching a lot of Fantano recently), and on others it’s not as incisive or cutting as some of their previous albums. You also, on principle, don’t like mainstream tracks like “All I Need” or “Jigsaw Falling Into Place.”
These are just a few helpful tips and tricks to really stink up a room with your pretentious Radiohead takes. I leave the rest to you, son. Your pretentious journey is your own, and I’m sure you can find even more ways to piss people off and leave them wanting more. If you want to be with the “in” crowd, take these to heart, and as Thom Yorke once said, “Someone needs to tell the truth, but it shouldn’t be my job.” And it certainly isn’t yours, either.
Son, I’m proud of you for taking your first steps into a lifetime of making other music fans feel inferior. Just remember, if you ever catch yourself saying “Steeley Dan is actually good,” You’ve gone too far.