You’ve waited for what feels like hours. Your mouth is watering. Your nose smells the moist warmth of the starchy tuber. It’s finally time to eat your baked potato. But you’re too excited. Hands are shaking as they gingerly apply butter and salt. And when it’s finally time to take that first bite, you inhale grams of aluminum foil.
Please know that this has happened to everyone, from the Queen of England to the guy your mom dated for like 2 weeks when you were in 4th grade. The Hard Times is here to help you navigate your shame and pain with a few easy steps.
1. Calm down and don’t panic
It’s easy to overreact when you eat the foil around your baked potato. You worry that maybe you’ll bust a molar crown, or you’ll digest it and the foil will lacerate your intestines on its way out. And while these are very real and legitimate concerns, there is no value in fretting about them.
2. Ipecac + Taco Bell = Success
You need to get the foil out of your body ASAP so you can continue enjoying that buttery, flaky Russet. A combination of syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting and a haphazard assortment of Taco Bell value menu items to initiate diarrhea should do the trick. You won’t have a single bit of solid matter in your alimentary canal.
3. Call Your Ex
Yes, you’re going to have to withstand an “I told you so” and a “Jesus Christ, you ate the foil again?” but your ex is the only one who can help you in your hour of need. Maybe their parenting instincts will kick in and summon an uncontrollable love for you, causing them to see the error of their ways and come crawling back.
4. Write Out Your Last Will and Testament
I hate to break it to you, but this is probably fatal. If you’re still reading, your time is limited. Each second is precious. Write out your last will and don’t make your note too sad. You don’t want to bum out the person finding you. And really think about who deserves to inherit your leftover potato.