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Opinion: No, You Forgot the Fucking Aux Cable

I can’t believe we’re finally heading to Ozzfest! We’ve been talking about this for years and it’s finally happening. Where else can you find the taint-shaking talents of Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, Korn, and Zakk Wylde on one stage? Nowhere else, homie. Just in our dreams and in the parking lot of the Glen Helen Amphitheater.

My Celica is tuned up and ready to make it from Santa Fe to San Bernardino without so much as a wheeze.

Pass me the aux cable! I made a sick fuckin’ playlist with a bunch of the bands and other classics like Volbeat and Five Finger Death Punch. Rock on! Good music is making a comeback. None of this Ariana Grande bullshit.

What? What do you mean you didn’t bring the aux cable? Me?!? No, I’m pretty sure I told you over the phone to bring yours. I don’t have one! Shit.

No, the Celica doesn’t have fucking Bluetooth, you moron. I’ve been pumping open note chugs and detuned bass in this thing well before Bluetooth was invented, dumbshit.

How is this my fault? I’m positive I told you. We’re already far enough away that I’m not turning around. No, I’m not just playing it from my cell phone speaker. You won’t even be able to hear Fieldy’s sick bass lines.

You always do this. I can’t rely on you for anything. At my wedding you gave the worst best man speech I ever heard in my life. You quoted You Me & Dupree THREE times! Sure it’s underrated, but that’s not a movie you can just reference and expect people to know.

Goddammit. Sorry, that was over the line. This is just really upsetting.

All I asked was that you bring the aux cable and a few cases of Busch Light for tailgating. Please tell me you didn’t fuck that up too.

I’m sorry, what?

Keystone Light? You’re dead to me. Don’t say a word for the rest of this drive.

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