Ah, the Fourth of July: the day we celebrate George Washington conquering thousands of commies back in biblical times to win our God-given freedom to grill half a cow, drink cold beer, and detonate home-made fireworks at our militia compounds. But instead of honoring the greatest country on Earth, here you are trying to ruin Independence Day by asking me all kinda stupid questions like I’m a ChatGPT robot instead of helping me fish this lit firework out of my dickhole. But no, by all means, let’s host an interactive panel Q&A while the crackling fuse inches closer to exploding my wiener like a ballpark frank in a campfire.
‘How did that firecracker even get in your dickhole?’ It’s called a dare, numbnuts, and we both know if I backed down from Firepecker Roulette then Cousin Terry would spend the rest of the weekend calling me ‘Dickless Cheney’ in front of those hot out-of-towner chicks down at the reservoir.
‘Why can’t you take it out by yourself?’ Because I’ve got two bottles of Mickey’s duct taped to my hands, haven’t you ever played ‘Edward 40 Hands’ before?
‘Didn’t this happen last year?’ For your information, last year’s firecracker emergency was located in my asshole, and I was able to snuff it out with my buttcheeks—again, no thanks to you.
‘Should I get the fire extinguisher?’ What, and freeze up all my sperms? My mama has been begging me for grandkids, and now you wanna shrivel my balls and rob that sweet woman of the greatest gift a son can give his mother aside from a Riverboat Casino Cruise?
Well, I hope you’re happy, I’ve answered all your stupid questions, but at what cost? Because of you, my junk is about to be all shredded like fajita meat. The neighborhood kids are gonna laugh at me and call me ‘Mr. Burntjangles’. I’ll probably have to live in the circus as ‘The Living Ken Doll’ while hillbillies throw chewed up hot dogs at my—oh, sweet Lord, hallelujah! I just pissed myself and put the firecracker out. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me again with one of your many urine-based miracles. The 4th of July is back on, Cousin Terry, toss me that kerosene! Who wants to play ‘Flaming Hot Cornhole’?