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Lemon Law? I Just Bought a Used Car With a Powerman 5000 Album Stuck in the CD Player

Hand to god, this thing was a steal. At least I thought it was.

2001 Pontiac Aztek GT. 40k miles. One owner. Spotless Carfax report. A clean machine, my friends. Even had the original floor mats. And ran like a ferret when I test-drove her. But that’s also when things got weird.

As I whipped around the 5 Below parking lot, the seller was super anxious, all shifty-eyed in the passenger seat and whatnot. When I reached for the stereo to play some tunes, he swatted my hand away like I was trying to get to second base. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but this dude couldn’t make the sale fast enough. The car wasn’t even in park before he barrel rolled out the door with my $15k. And that’s when shit really went south.

When I sped off and finally cranked up that sweet Blaupunkt sound system, that band Powerman 5000 blasted from the speakers without warning. Last time I heard these guys was when my shithead brother would watch that reality show for fake wrestling, “Tough Enough.” I get why this music would make you want to smash someone with a chair. I hit eject, but the CD wouldn’t budge. I shut off the car, but the song kept playing. It wasn’t even a full album; it was the CD single of “When Worlds Collide.” Stuck in my stereo. On repeat. At full volume.

The owner must want his PM5K CD back, I thought. But when I called his number, it was already unlisted.

I panicked. Maybe cried a little. There had to be some recourse, other than driving into a wall. I contacted the Better Business Bureau about lemon law violations. They sympathized but said there are no protections for a car 20 years past warranty with an aftermarket stereo that’s been possessed by electroclash cyberfunkmetal.

Desperate, I hired a personal injury lawyer because now I was in pain, so much pain. I wasn’t entitled to any compensation, but he did get the judge to issue a restraining order against the vehicle. So now the Powerman 5000 CD, and unfortunately the Aztek, can’t come within 100 yards of me. The legal fees cost more than the car, but hey, problem solved!

Last I heard, the vehicle was donated to Kars4Kids. Oh great. Now I have that fucking song stuck in my head.