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I’m Going Home for Thanksgiving To Secure My Inheritance by Christmas

As Thanksgiving approaches, and COVID-19 rates get progressively worse, many of my friends are shocked that I still plan on visiting my family for what many call a pointless holiday. I’ve been called irresponsible and told I could potentially be passing along COVID to susceptible family members, even if I test negative right before seeing them. To those people, I say: good, that’s exactly what I’m hoping happens.

Like many millennials, I am out of work due to the pandemic. Now that my unemployment benefits are sputtering out, and a second stimulus isn’t looking likely, I’ve turned my attention elsewhere in the hopes that I might find much-needed financial security in these troubling times. I’m talking of course, about my inheritance.

You see, I’ve got one of the most important things you can have in America: generational wealth. Both my parents and grandparents are fairly wealthy, and more importantly, I know that as an only child, I’ve got a pretty choice spot in their wills.

I should be armed by now. I’ve been taking public transportation all week and I stopped washing my hands. Time to do what needs to be done. It’s not premeditated murder if you bring a can of cranberry sauce.

I know that this might seem callous, but the allowance I get from my parents barely covers rent, utilities, my phone, and groceries. With the recent cut to unemployment, I’ve had to cut the number of times I order out weekly down to three. No one should have to live like this. Our government has failed us, so I’m taking matters into my own hands.

Be safe out there this Thanksgiving, and cross your fingers that COVID takes pappy quickly. My parents still have a few money-making years, and I’d like to get my hands on a PS5 before the Christmas rush.