Stay home, everybody! Please limit this year’s Thanksgiving celebration to include only the people you live with. Larger gatherings could have potentially fatal consequences, especially for at-risk family members. And if I wanted to kill my grandfather, I would rather do it with my bare hands or maybe even by fucking his ass up with a big stick.
Sure after a year marked by isolation, it would be wonderful to spend Thanksgiving feasting and relaxing with loved ones. But take the case of my grandpa, who is 92 years old and very vulnerable to respiratory complications. It would be reckless of me to see him this year. Sad as it may be, I must wait until vaccines are readily available before I can hit him repeatedly in the nuts with a golf club, or maybe one of those retractable baton thingys.
As you might have guessed, I don’t get along very well with my grandpa. He’s kind of a dick, actually. The dude’s pissed off pretty much all the time and usually spends Thanksgiving drinking peach schnapps from a flask and blaming all of the country’s problems on Japanese automakers.
Nonetheless, I realize that traveling to visit him would be extremely dangerous for the cranky old bastard. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want grandpa to die because some guy sneezed on me in an airport. I want him to die peacefully in his sleep after I give him literally the ass whooping of a lifetime.
I am a very strong boy, and he is a weak old fool. I don’t need some pandemic to help me out. I’m not afraid of him. You hear me you old fuck?! I’m not afraid of you anymore!
It’s important to remember that just because your family shouldn’t meet in person doesn’t mean you can’t still spend quality time together. In fact, my relatives will all be gathering via video-chat to safely celebrate our first-ever Virtual Thanksgiving. We’ve already emailed grandpa the instructions and everything. See you on Zoom, you little beady-eyed turd!
Please follow my lead. This holiday season, I’m doing my part to ensure my grandfather is still around next year for a proper Thanksgiving. Plus, that gives him 12 months to start practicing self-defense techniques. I want that bitch at the top of his game.