If you’re reading this, it’s too late. Wingstop forgot to put ranch in the bag. The only part of your meal that mattered. Obviously the chicken wings were just a vehicle to that sweet white gold, and those bastards denied you any satisfaction. You’re likely experiencing overwhelming grief from having to eat your food without that creamy dreamy mouth-watering elixir. You might be wondering if there’s anything left to live for. But don’t worry, we’re here to help you navigate the stages of grief with this guide on how to cope when they forget to put ranch in the bag.
Stage 1: Denial
You’re not going to believe this is really happening. You’ll check the bag several times, and then the app to see if the receipt has the ranch on there. You’ll say, “No, no, no, there’s no way they could have forgotten it. It has to be in here somewhere.” You’ll rip the bag open in a feral frenzy. You will check under your car seat. It will seem like everything is happening in slow motion. You may suddenly dissociate or question your reality.
Stage 2: Anger
You’re going to experience a blind rage unlike any other. You may find yourself blacking out and waking up to your fist in some drywall, your kitchen floor covered in shards of dinnerware, or a baseball bat smashed through your TV. We suggest stripping down naked and screaming at the moon until your voice runs hoarse. While the adrenaline is still pumping, we suggest calling Wingstop and reciting a curse that will make their crops run dry.
Stage 3: Bargaining
You’ll be desperate to complete your meal with ranch, no matter where it comes from. We suggest telling your neighbor you’re afraid you’ll hurt yourself if they don’t let you borrow some ranch. If the only thing they have is a slightly soured bottle from 2016, you can still ride a high from it. Be sure to bring a bucket of water and a plugged in hair dryer with you when you arrive so they know you’re serious about ending it all if they don’t help you out.
Stage 4: Depression
You won’t want to shower or brush your teeth for days and this is normal. Feel free to post a crying video on Instagram and only respond to text messages with the phrase, “My broken body aches.” You might have trouble sleeping or recalling childhood memories. There will be a gaping hole where your ranch should be.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Sweet release. You’re gonna accept your fate without the ranch. This is a life you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy, but it is yours. You’re gonna have to raw dog these buffalo wings, and that’s okay. You’ll always remember this as your D-Day. The tragedy that occurred tonight will never be forgotten. You’ve hit rock bottom and you’re never going back. Now it is finally time to begin your game of cat and mouse with the cronies at Wingstop.