I never thought I’d be a cautionary tale. But now I know you should never get blackout drunk in front of your old friends from high school who want to get wasted because our old buddy Louie got out of prison early on good behavior. Apparently when I blacked out my friends had a little fun at my expense by drawing dumb doodles on my face, but I had no idea until I grabbed the mail and a high-powered music producer stepped out of a limo.
He did that thing where he made his thumbs and pointer fingers into a rectangle and looked through. “Yes,” he shouted, made me sign a contract and handed me a fanny pack full of cocaine. And even though I am an engineer, I’m apparently the supporting act for Machine Gun Kelly’s next tour.
Nothing made sense. I asked my manager, whose name is Vito Money for some reason, what I should do and he told me my pre-arranged closest friend and confidant is Pete Davidson and I should go meet him at the Viper Room to get some perspective. But the only thing Pete wanted to talk about though was his beef with Kanye and hot Hollywood tail to which I kept responding, “no cap,” I was in too deep. I looked in the cocaine mirror on the table and realized I was wearing just a blazer and no shirt underneath.
I ran home in a blur, struggling under the weight of so many necklaces, with only monster energy drinks to hydrate. When I arrived, I found my wife drinking champagne with Kourtney Kardashian, discussing an upcoming collaboration where they would sell high end beauty products to which some of the proceeds would go to “poors.” My wife is an elementary school librarian!
I called the producer and told him, “I didn’t ask for this!” He replayed me saying it with a ton of reverb and two days later “I Didn’t Ask for This” was charting in the Billboard top 100. I have a doctorate and now I switch between singing emo break-up songs and doing that weird really fast white guy rap like there’s too much peanut butter in your mouth. It’s all so gross.
So let this be a lesson to you. The next time you are just trying to have a few beers and a few laughs with old friends, there can be consequences. I wish I could tell you more but I am on my way to a power lunch with Joe Jonas at The Rainforest Cafe.