Wow, what a year it’s been! I hope this letter finds you happy, healthy, and not being cuckolded. Because I was cuckolded this year, and let me tell you, it’s not as fun as the internet makes it seem.
Looking back, 2024 was a year full of growth and change. For example, my wife changed our relationship status, and I grew sad.
As we ring in 2025, I’d like to thank all of the people who suggested I hire a puppeteer to perform at my birthday. That was a great idea… It’s hard to believe that at this time last year, I was having dinner with my wife and she was telling me all about the interesting man she’d met at my party. She was telling me how “smart” he was and how much she thought I’d like him.
Boy was she wrong about that!
But let’s talk about something I do like: New Year’s Eve! It’s the one night we’re present in the moment and free from obligation. The one night when we dance because we want to dance, and not because some mysterious person is pulling our strings while they sleep with our wives.
New Year is a time for resolutions. You could choose to drink less alcohol, or give up red meat, or — just throwing this out there — stop having sex with my wife. Because none of us are perfect. Like me: I’m going bald, I’m not great at sex, and apparently, our dog prefers the puppet-guy. Also, I’m currently being investigated for securities fraud. But do I let that get me down? Of course, I do.
It’s been a tough year for all of us. A wise man once said: “There are two types of pain. The pain that hurts, and the pain that changes you”. But it turns out, there is a third type of pain – a pain you can only understand when your wife has sex with a puppeteer and then the SEC raids your house.
Luckily, it’s never too late to try something new! For a couple of months, I even considered getting into puppetry myself. I bought a $300 marionette and now it’s sitting in my garage, silently judging me as I run the car with the door closed.
As we close out this year, I encourage you to take a moment to look back on all of your achievements this year. For instance, I earned a promotion at work! But then the executives blamed me for a bunch of financial crimes so that’s sort of a wash.
If you’re going out this year, try to stay safe. And if you’re hosting a party, don’t invite street performers into your home. Did I mention that I confronted the guy in November and he tried blaming it all on his puppet?
Happy New Year!