As Halloween draws nearer, there’s nothing I like more than going to one of the many elaborately designed haunted houses, horror mazes, and ghost tours that my city has to offer. Just me, my friends, my windbreaker, and of course, my gun, Li’l Miss Lucy Goose. But this year, my friends have told me that Li’l Miss Lucy isn’t invited to the party. Can one of you give me a good reason why I can’t bring my gun along, other than how I (allegedly) freaked out last year and shot a scare actor? Because my friends can’t.
Before we go any further I want to point out that the man I shot survived. Sure, his injuries were severe enough that he was medically disqualified from playing basketball ever again, and yes he was going to college on a basketball scholarship which was subsequently revoked, but the most important thing to point out is he is alive and sort of well.
Now I’ll admit I startle a touch easily. But past performance doesn’t indicate future results. Just because I allegedly panicked last year while going through the ‘Ten Thousand Terrors of Tarantula Tower’ doesn’t mean I’m gonna be that jumpy again. I’ve spent countless hours at the gun range this year to prepare me for this very moment, I firmly believe I’m good to go.
I’d also like to point out that my lawyer was able to keep me out of jail by illustrating to a jury of my peers that my mental competence is often a problem. That’s my get-out-of-jail-free card baby, but I did land 5,000 hours of mandatory hours of community service which I do plan on serving.
So please. What am I missing? Some magical puzzle piece? Give me a second good reason why I can’t bring my gun! One unrelated to past firearm-based mistakes. There are so many great haunted houses happening in my town this year: ‘Vacation Day in Chainsaw Land,’ ‘Ghost Roasters: The Haunted Barista Experience,’ ‘The Fantabulous Frightmare of Dr. Faustus.’ Those’ll be really scary. And it sure would make me feel better to have my gun.
Look, guns don’t even kill people. But scare actors kill people with heart conditions. And that’s why I need my gun. To stop them. When I do ‘Frank Booth’s Sock Drawer Experience’ as produced by David Lynch, I fully intend to shout: ‘I have a gun!’ before I enter each room. Because I understand that this Halloween, the only scarier than ghosts and goblins is being unsafe. And that’s why I need my beloved Miss Lucy Goose. To stop the unsafe people.