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Food: None of You Want To Admit This but Microplastics Are a Really Versatile Seasoning

One thing about me is I’m the type of fella who likes to turn a negative into a positive. For instance, when the COVID lockdowns happened a few years ago, a lot of folks freaked out. But not me. I bought a slow cooker, a bread maker, and an air fryer and decided I would learn to cook. The results have been amazing. I feel the same positive energy can be applied to our environmental concerns. Take this, for instance: Though the eggheads may not want you to think about this, microplastics are a very versatile seasoning and should be regarded as such.

Now I’ll grant you this: Microplastics are not a very fun topic to think about. Little bits of broken-down non-degradable plastic that get into our fish, our chicken, our bloodstream. Hell, even the human placenta. But as long as it’s happening, let’s make a molehill out of a mountain and embrace the positives. These things are damn tasty. They have the same zip to them as red pepper or curry and the same utilitarian usefulness as cinnamon or paprika. Just a little spice in your dish. And that just makes cooking all the easier if you find them in your chicken, your fish – or Hell—your placenta, if you’re so inclined to sample it. Kinda chewy.

And when I say versatile, folks, I mean versatile. I like to put my Mikey-Ps on just about everything. Sometimes I’ll put ‘em in chili as a fun little alternative to cumin. It tastes zesty and makes my stomach absolutely bleed with delight.

And do they please a crowd? Do they ever! I’m the type of at-home-cook who thrills in experimenting with new dishes for his family. Am I the next Julia Child? No. But maybe one day. My wife and kids delight in tasting my new delicacies. Little do they know I’ve gotten my seafood straight from plastic-filled waters. I even dust a little bit of that sweet, sweet plastique into the brownies I take into work.

Now listen. I know there’s down-sides. Let’s apple the orange here. The science people are trying to say that microplastics are “unhealthy,” but it’s made out of plastic. Plastic is made out of oil. Oil is made out of dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are basically chickens. You wouldn’t object to me saying: ‘Let’s put chicken on this chicken.’ Would you?