Listen, times are tough. Global trade alliances are collapsing, resource scarcity is escalating, and it’s getting harder each day to convince yourself that war is just an “over there” problem. Even that new Netflix show you like isn’t getting a second season.
In a time of so much uncertainty, one thing is for sure: coffee isn’t going to exist in about 10 years. Over half of the global coffee supply stems from Brazil and Vietnam, and with the Amazon being deforested, the Suez Canal shipping crisis, and with Vietnam… well, we stopped keeping tabs on Vietnam after we pulled out the troops and stopped melting their forests and children, but things probably suck there too.
Anyways, here are some fresh coffee alternatives, and some old classics, to taste-drive as the empire of humanity collapses.
Postum
Postum was founded in 1895 by C.W. Post, a proud student of masturbation-hater John Harvey Kellogg. Following in Kellogg’s Presbyterian footsteps, Post founded his “instant” drink made of miller’s bran and molasses and marketed the beverage as a caffeine-free alternative to the wicked sexual energies found in coffee. Today, Postum has relaxed its pious origins and proudly operates as a women-owned and non-GMO certified business, waiting patiently to dominate the global market after our inevitable societal collapse. Today, enjoy this healthful beverage and be reminded of simpler times.
Chicory Root
Hipsters and immigrant moms unite! Chicory root has long been a staple of coffee substitutes in the Mediterranean region and was a popular product during the Great Depression. With rich flavours, and a rich history amid economic crises, it is only natural that chicory has a place in today’s crumbling ecosystem. Enjoy chicory as an additive to filter coffee, if you can afford some that is, or drink it boiled. Chicory root is caffeine-free, and if you squint your eyes and believe in yourself, it almost tastes good.
Bugmeal
If bugmeal is the protein of the future, then it is only natural that their dried and fermented carapaces will fill the hearty cups of copper scavengers. Blended or mulched, bughusks are quick to absorb the flavour of many available flavourful additives and remain fresh for six weeks in a sealed container. Meal prep it with soy and microplastics for a quick dietary supplement. This biodegradable and bowel-lubricating super-drink awaits the boldest fiber-deficient citizens of our near-future.
Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™
We had some trouble with the copyright claims here, but after Google’s claim as a sovereign state it was only natural that one of their subsidiary city-companies would manufacture a product to dominate the coffee market. Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™ isn’t coffee; in fact, it’s a bit of a proprietary secret. What we can say is that with the FDA defunded and thrown into the annals of history, there’s nothing to hold Café-Co back.
Swill
Swill is simple: you just mix whatever liquids you have lying around your bunker. River water? Throw it in the pot. That last thimble of engine coagulant? Yep, you guessed it. Condensation in the propane radiator? Rime in the bottle of expired cough syrup? The potential is limitless. A true visionary can even mix any of the article’s suggestions into a super serum that would rival the stimulants we gave horses during World War I.