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Chairs: Are They Worth the Money?

Whether you’re trying to class up your parents’ basement, a squat, or a humble street corner, there is no denying the sense of luxury a good old-fashioned chair can bring to the table (figuratively speaking, of course, tables are bullshit and you definitely do not need one). But that luxury comes with the hefty price tag of “some money.”

As anyone who has ever tried to huff paint while standing up can tell you, sitting down is essential to the punk experience. But is it really worth shelling out upwards of $15 when a couple of milk crates or whatever does just fine? Let’s break it down.

Pro: Ergonomic, whatever the fuck that means

We think it means, like, it doesn’t fuck up your back while you’re doing shit or something. We asked a leading chair expert at Target if a chair was more ergonomic than some boxes or the floor or whatever and he gave an emphatic, “What? Uh, yeah.”

Con: Like, at least $10 dude

Even if you buy used, a sittable chair is going to cost you the equivalent of two bowl-packs, minimum. It’s fucking bullshit and the system needs to be torn down.

Pro: No more diamond-shaped welts on your ass from the milk crate grating
In a recent total guess, I figured that 9 out of every 10 street musicians suffer from crate-butt. Usually the symptoms are mild, but prolonged crate-sitting can lead to lacerations, which is what my doctor calls cuts for some reason. Those can get infected and then they have to put you on pills and not the fun kind that you can flip. So in a way, having a chair could save you money down the road. Then again, who the fuck knows if you’re even going to be alive tomorrow?

Con: They’re a little bougie
A chair is a status symbol. It can show a lack of hustle, which can mean less tips while busking.

Pro: A chair can double as a weapon
We’ve all seen a guy beat the shit out of somebody with a folding chair. Remember when that dude was fucked with ever again? Exactly.

The Verdict: Fucking steal one
Just steal that shit dude. You don’t even need to risk stealing from the store. There’s chairs all over the place. Break into a school, take one off someone’s porch, or hit a restaurant with an outdoor patio. Improv theaters are loaded with folding chairs and those places are for rich nerds anyway.