Now that we’re in the throes of Spooky Season, it can be so easy to be caught up in the festivities you forget about your personal health and safety. You might go out to a Halloween bar crawl one Friday night and have a little too much fun, only to wake up the next day to find the sun through the blinds might actually kill you and experience excruciating hunger pangs. Now you’re starting to second guess if the couple that liked your vibe last night weren’t actually dressed as characters from “True Blood”. Since time may be running out, here are some handy questions to determine if you’re turning into a vampire or just horny and hungry.
Q: Does hypoglycemia run in your family?
Low blood sugar could explain the paleness and feeling weak, but they’re also boilerplate characteristics of vampire life. Another good question to ask is if you’re having a diabetic episode, is your go-to snack chocolate or are you desperate enough to suck the blood out of a rat in public?
Q: Are you experiencing an unslakable craving for blood?
This is the best place to start because if you’ve not been recruited into the army of the undead, you could just be low on iron. Now might be a good time to shotgun text all your Tinder connections for an intimate steakhouse dinner date. If the bloodlust remains after housing a 32 oz. prime rib and the handjob in the Uber afterward, do the right thing and tell your date to RUN.
Q: Can you turn into a bat?
Just checking! But if you said yes, know that the Catholic Church is probably hunting you as you read this.
Q: What’s your opinion on garlic?
If you find yourself salivating at the intoxicating scent of cooking garlic, chances are you are simply hungry or possibly Italian. But many benefits of the natural vampire repellent DO align with vampire superpowers such as boosting strength, extending life longevity, and being an aphrodisiac. It all comes down to the last time you had bolognese or let someone bite you during sex.
Q: Go rub one out, we’ll wait.
Now that you have some post-nut clarity, has your insatiable lust been quenched or do you still have a bloody orgy on the brain? If you’re feeling the latter, split the difference and hit up a local brunch spot and rizz up a bachelorette party while drinking one of those Bloody Mary’s where they stack half the appetizer menu on top of it. And if that doesn’t work, you at least can look forward to amassing a polycule of undead concubines to solve the horniness problem at least.