The two most badass words in Rock ‘n Roll: Lemmy. Kilmister. Hell, the man’s given last name is already cooler than any nickname you or I will ever have bestowed upon us. He is a rock god and the owner of history’s greatest set of mutton chops.
His sheer volume of drinking became the stuff of legends, so you’d think there would be a thousand fantastic stories about the man doing crazy things. But the thing is, off-stage he pretty much just sat around Los Angeles’ Rainbow Room, playing video poker and getting quietly tanked on Jack and Cokes. So, with that in mind, here are six absolutely crazy stories about Lemmy that we might have embellished just a little to make them more interesting:
The Time Lemmy Singlehandedly Slew the Dragon of Stoke-on-Trent: When Lemmy was just a young English lad growing up in Staffordshire, villagers near and far told stories of the fearsome dragon of Stoke-on-Trent, who collected the very finest pottery and hoarded them in its lair. So when he grew to be a man, Lemmy took Van Helsing’s personal Tojo blades, re-gifted to him by Ozzy Osbourne, and slew the dragon. Totally happened, don’t worry about looking it up.
The Time Lemmy Threw Slash to the Moon and Back: Back in ‘93, Lemmy had just gotten back from a tour of Spain and was in a baaaad mood. So when Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash sat on his favorite barstool, Lemmy picked up that guy by the top hat and flung him all the way to the moon faster than you can say “n-n-n-n-knees.” Fortunately for hard rock history, he later took pity on Slash, who spent his time on the moon crying, and rescued him from the Lunar Rock Monsters. That’s what we heard anyway.
The Time Lemmy Defeated Mirror-Universe Lemmy Once and For All: As we all know, Lemmy and Mirror-Universe Lemmy have been in conflict ever since a cocaine-related incident in Prague cracked the barriers between dimensions and allowed Mirror-Lemmy (with his white cowboy hat and hair over his entire face except for where sideburns would be) to cross over. Lemmy prevailed when he impaled his parallel self on the neck of a Rickenbacker 4000 Series bass guitar, but the dumb government covered it up, so you’ll just have to take our word for it.
When Lemmy Travelled Back in Time to Prevent Abraham Lincoln’s Murder But Then Lincoln Fell Down Some Stairs Immediately After: Tragic.
The Time Lemmy Wrote Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony: While Lemmy is mostly known for his magnetic stage presence and singing Triple H’s theme music, he was also an accomplished songwriter. Did you know that on one amphetamine-fueled night in 1974, he wrote the entirety of Symphony #5 by Ludwig Beethoven? Fuckin’ rock ‘n roll, man.
The Time Lemmy Was Our Real Dad: You can’t prove it’s not true. Please let us have this.