Spotting someone in public wearing a shirt of a metal band you also like can immediately trigger a camaraderie that is seldom seen in other subcultures, but unfortunately, it just isn’t worth the risk.
Here are a few reasons why I will never make the mistake of acknowledging someone in public for their metal shirt ever again for as long as I live.
1.) Being Sued.
One time when I was in elementary school, I noticed a kid wearing a Metallica shirt. “Nice! Is that an original ‘Pushead’ shirt, or a bootleg?” I said. Next thing I knew, I was slapped with a defamation lawsuit. I had no idea what that even meant being a 12-year-old, but apparently his parents had friends in high places close to the Metallica camp. $50,000 dollars and one long arduous court battle later, I agreed to never publicly disparage the name Metallica again, but that was obviously physically impossible.
2.) Getting My Feelings Hurt from Being Called a “Poser.”
Once I told a random dude I thought his Bathory shirt was badass. Not only did he immediately call me “fake” and a “poser,” he proceeded to tell me he only wears the shirt just to fish for compliments, then call those people posers for liking Bathory. If you see someone who looks like the war metal or “kvlt” type, it’s best to just act like any of their potential mates, and pretend they just don’t exist.
3.) Batshit Right-Wing Political Tirades.
First you idiotically compliment a Slayer shirt, then they talk about Pantera, then Five Finger Death Punch, then you realize you’ve made a huge mistake and you’re listening to him go on about how he was there on January 6th and took a shit inside Pelosi’s desk. Now you’re an accomplice, and regretting that you ever liked “Show No Mercy” in the first place.
4.) Nearly Being Framed for Murder.
You rarely see people wearing shirts of more extreme bands like Cannibal Corpse out in public. Last time I gave the old “nice shirt!” to a guy in a Corpse’ shirt, he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to hold his ball peen hammer. I think he wanted to get my prints on it or something. I guess I should have considered the fact that he was wielding a hammer in a public park before telling him how cool his shirt was.
5.) Unknowingly Giving Dave Mustaine a Compliment.
I let a guy know I thought his Megadeth shirt was cool, and it was immediately clear he was unimpressed. He told me his washer and dryer were on the fritz, and it was the last shirt he had. He then told me how much he hated Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield and that it was all their fault that Lowes sold him defective appliances. That’s when I noticed the weird angry lips and realized it was actually Dave Mustaine. It’s a pain I will never forget.