As anyone who has been married for any span of time knows, there are some days when you just gotta get the fuck outta there. Call it self-care or relationship maintenance or just plain survival, whatever you want—it all just means that in order to continue being in love with your partner you need to be anywhere away from them for a couple of hours.
A great way to get some much-needed alone time and improve your overall physical and mental health is to go on a refreshing nature walk! But, since you’re not going to do that, here are our tips for cramming copious amounts of Burger King into your food hole.
5. Don’t Savour It. This Is Not Something That You Enjoy, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.
In many ways getting through a marriage-stress-related BK binge is a lot like getting through a marriage itself. Just keep your head down, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and barrel your way through that second Bacon King burger with zero emotion left behind your glazed-over, soulless eyes.
4. Always Get a Milkshake.
If you’re gonna go, go hard. There is no point in moderation right now. You don’t want to go back to deal with your soul-crushing sham of a marriage AND deal with the fact that you haven’t had a milkshake in like, forever. Get the damn milkshake.
3. Fuck Napkins! For the Next 20 Minutes, You’re a Goddamn Wild Animal.
That’s right! No gods, no masters! Just excessive amounts of honey mustard sauce coating every surface of your shitty Camry. If your spouse tries to call you out on the stains, just tell them it’s lipstick from a sex worker.
2. Eat Everything. Every Last Fry. Leave No Evidence That This Is How You Spent Your Afternoon.
At a certain point the inherent shame you feel from this activity will urge you to attempt to eradicate all signs that you’ve been inhaling chicken fries in broad daylight. Do not resist this urge, it is all a part of the process.
1. Never mind. Get an Extra Milkshake To Bring Home.
Much like the clarity that often follows a successful ejaculation, consuming enough calories to kill most equine species alone in a parking lot can help give you some perspective. Now that you’ve put in the work you need to do for yourself, go back for another milkshake to bring home to your partner. You’ll be amazed by their gratitude, lack of follow-up questions, and willingness to ignore your many, many flaws for the rest of the day.