The new year is almost here and it’s time to pick a resolution that has value, which means you need a resolution that will piss off your dad. Yep, we’re talking about the kind of goals that will send him into a blind rage. They’re gonna make him question everything and lament the “good ol’ days,” when he could drive without a seatbelt or show up at any establishment and get a job the same day. These kids with their iPads and their dabbing make him sick. But it’s fun to see him get so mad, which is exactly why we made this list of resolutions that are guaranteed to tick him off.
Wear sunscreen
Actively avoiding skin cancer? Not very manly. This one annoys the hell out of men over 50. He’ll hate having to wait around for you to apply it before leaving the house. When he sees you reapplying at the pool, he’ll point and laugh. He will get sunburnt just to spite you. When you ask if he wants aloe vera he will tell you no way, he’s not a pussy.
Talk about your feelings
Telling your Dad about your depression is guaranteed to make him uncomfortable. What are you, sad or some shit? Quit bumming everyone out, because he will give you something to cry about. Just drink a beer and fix the fence or something. He’ll attempt to change the subject to that oil change you need and/or leave to get some more Coor’s Light.
Get a pedicure
Treating yourself to something nice and indulging in some self-care will definitely send any Dad into a spiral. He’ll definitely call you a virgin nerd before jumping on his lawnmower to calm himself down. He will question everything when he sees the little sunflower decal they put on your big toe.
Go vegan
Can’t have a burger and fries with your Dad at Applebee’s? Might as well have killed his dog with a hammer while talking about how much you hate the Cowboys. He will attribute this life change to all those video games you play and those nutjobs at NPR. You better start eating like a real man, otherwise you’ll never get that promotion, and you sure as hell won’t be strong enough to defend a lady.
Tell your Dad you love him
Nothing will catches a father off guard as much as telling him you love him. He might freeze up, he might walk away—either way he is going to short circuit. Where’s your mom anyway? She probably has something to show you…
Use pomade to style your hair
Your Dad will think this is so dumb. Looking presentable and clean is overrated for him. Only losers spend that much time getting ready. And anyway, why would you waste an opportunity to wear your Longhorns hat? You got someone to impress, Mr. Ding Dong?
Buy an electric car
Want to really miff him? Do something good for the environment and buy an electric car! Dad will say, oh, come on! These things are a total rip off! Get rid of that sissy hunk of political garbage. You need a Dodge Ram with those little balls hanging from the bottom and a sticker of Calvin pissing on the words “your mom.” Now that’s funny.
Ask for help at Home Depot
Your Dad will be beside himself when he learns you actually asked someone for help at Home Depot. He will be so embarrassed that you just gave up like that instead of fumbling around for several hours looking for toggle bolts. Way to give up without a fight, he will say.
Bedazzle your steering wheel
He taught you how to drive—now he can watch you drive in style. He will definitely try to jump out the passenger door when he clocks your rhinestone-encrusted steering wheel, so make sure you put the child lock on. He’ll keep his eyes closed and clench his fists the entire ride.
Learn a TikTok dance
This will be the only time you will see a grown man cry tears of red hot rage, other than when his favorite sports team loses the Superbowl or whatever. When there’s a national emergency, and you need to prepare for the worst, he asks, what the hell will a stupid internet jig do for you? He thinks you’re going to “floss” straight into a watery grave.
Bleach your butthole
Why the hell do I need to know what you do to your privates?! Dad will ask. Just keep it clean and wear a glove, he will mutter before walking back to the garage. Bring photos of the before and after so he can appreciate the transformation. Don’t forget to give him a referral code and tell him it’s for a rainy day.
Build a shed and put all of your vintage porcelain dolls inside
When you decide to build a shed, your Dad will be stoked. He finally taught his boy something worthwhile. But he will consider drinking bleach once he realizes you’re only building it to house all of your vintage porcelain dolls so they can have tea parties in peace. While you explain how each of them have their own, special personalities, Dad will punch the air and sob all over his cargo shorts.
Buy a mini horse
Dad will laugh at first, but then become very concerned about why you bought a mini horse and not a regular horse. Jeez, man. Why didn’t you get one that can actually do something? Where are you even gonna put him? He’s gonna shit all over the house! Dad will continue yelling into the night and during “Castaway,” the movie you put on for the mini horse.
Design a flower arrangement for Dad’s poker night
Dad’s buddies will rip him a new asshole for this one. They’ll ask why his son is making these obnoxiously large flower arrangements in the shape of famous historical figures for boys’ night. They’ll slowly stop coming over for poker night because they feel weird about it. What a shame that dad won’t have his three favorite baldies to talk to about traffic with.
Create a signature fragrance for men called, “Bussy”
The best part about this one is watching Dad’s face turn beet red when you explain what a bussy is. He’ll throw his hands up and yell, come on man! Get that shit outta here. He may throw a chair or smash a lamp. He’s such a silly guy. If only he knew how to accept that he likes men and admit that mom is his beard.